Changes, Changes, Changes All Around!

"I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart!  And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.  So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27

I began writing this blog in January 2009.  The majority of my writings centered around my walk with God and the various lessons He taught me, fires He walked me through and the love and forgiveness He showered upon me.  I have attempted, failing frequently, to remain thankful and humble about the blessings God has bestowed upon my life...

Recently, God has blessed me with so many wonderful changes in such a small period of time that my head just recently stopped spinning!  He artfully walked me directly into the arms of the most wonderful man I have ever met - a man I will spend the rest of my life attempting to love as beautifully as he loves me.  

D and I were married on June 2, 2012 and life has been a whirlwind of lovely and at times, difficult adjustments!  Joining our lives together has been an experience that I could have never imagined or planned for - God knew me tremendously better than I knew myself and blessed me with that perfect fit! Being the kind of wife God calls me to be and in addition, the kind of (step) mother He expects me to be has been a challenging shedding of shelfishness but a beautiful one that I am beyond thankful for.  

In light of our mutual passion for writing, D and I have decided to write a blog together.  A colorful account of the life we share together and the lessons that God continues to teach each of us individually and as a couple.  We are so excited to see what His plan has in store for us next - stay tuned!!

Feel free to keep up with us at
http://www.kesterkompleted.blogspot.com/

Answered Prayers

I prayed, I prayed and I prayed...


In early March of this year, I decided to join eHarmony.  I had been on another dating website a few weeks prior and to say the least, the pickens were slim in the sunshine state!  I knew that eHarmony was reputible because I had friends who had met their husbands or wives on the website.  If I am being completely honest though, I had no faith that God would use eHarmony to connect me with my soul mate. 


Famous last words...
On March 6, 2012 I was matched with my soon to be husband, otherwise known as the man I've been praying for since I began speaking to God!!  I remember reading Derek's profile and thinking, "Geez!  In addition to being gorgeous, this guy seems to have a really pure heart!"  We began messaging and it didn't even occur to me that Derek being located in Texas and my being located in Florida could cause some heartache (I know, I have my moments of clarity, this was not one of them.) 


I am grateful the distance did not create hesitency in either of our hearts...


We emailed for a week before talking on the phone.  Long emails, emails that eventually turned from simple messages to word documents attached because of the length of the message.  We took our hearts, tipped them over and let them soak the keyboard in an attempt to connect to each other.  Emails turned to phone calls, turned to skype conversations, turned to he and I falling head over heels in love with one another before ever really "meeting" in person.  I laughed about it then and I laugh about it now because there was a palpable transparency from day one with he and I.  Even though we had never seen each other "in the flesh,"  the love we shared was real and true and steadfast.


D walked off of the shuttle at Tampa Bay airport at 11:50pm on April 26, 2012.  I fought tears as we made eye contact for the first time and thought to myself, "There he is."  I'll spare everyone the mushy details of that first 15 minutes but to say that the first minutes spent in his arms are unforgettable would be an enormous understatement!  We spent that whole weekend laughing, crying, talking, going to the beach, taking in movies and just "being" with each other.  I felt broken when we were driving to the airport on Sunday night.  As we drove and I attempted to keep my sense of humor, I remember feeling like I was being torn apart from limb to limb.  As if I was being dissembled one piece at a time.  We sat in the airport and agreed that we wanted to be together as soon as possible. 

Monday April 30th, 2012, I requested a transfer from the location I worked at in Sarasota, Florida to the location here in Dallas, TX.  One week later, I had a formal position offer and a start date of Monday May 14, 2012.  D hopped on a plane on Wednesday May 9, 2012, spent time packing up my apartment while I finsihed out the work week and we took off for our home together in Texas on Friday May 11, 2012!

In one week, we're getting married!!!

I would like to say that D and I had something to do with this.  I would like to take credit for this amazing gift we've been given and act as if either of us had control over our meeting and subsequent falling in love.  We know though, deep within our beings, that this is ALL GOD!!  That He created us with the intention of sharing our lives together and the only role we have played is an attempt to be obedient to Him (although we have both failed throughout our lives at this) and His calling.  There have been countless times over the last few months where he and I have expressed how deeply in awe we are at the grace and love of God!



In addition to get to spend the rest of my life with a man who although he is not perfect is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for me, I also get to love all over two wonderful, beautiful, angelic little ones.  D's children Faith and Charlie stole my heart during our first weekend together.  I cannot wait to be a witness to the amazing contributions each will make to the world around them in His name! 

...I am so blessed and so humbled and so in love...

Getting too comfortable

These days, any advertising executive or marketing genius knows that the easiest way to get to my heart is to use the word "comfortable" or any version of it, really. Ever since I moved to Florida, I have been subconsciously searching for comfort around every corner. Although I knew it in the back of my mind, I've been searching in all of the wrong places.

I have been enormously blessed my entire life by a family and friends that love me and care for me in ways that I am undeserving of. Living in Indiana my entire life, until the age of 29, provided me with an sense of comfort that I was largely unaware of and quite frankly took for granted. I was never aware of how blessed I was to be surrounded by others that had similar values, morals, backgrounds and goals for the future. Although we all differed in various ways (faith, family, race, orientation), there was a common ground that I was blind to and miss dearly.

To be frank, I have felt displaced on a consistent basis since moving to Florida in 2010. I have had more difficulty adjusting to living here than I ever imagined. I have met some incredibly kind individuals and I cannot express how thankful I am to them for welcoming me. However, the commonality of faith, values, etc. has not been present with most people and that makes things tricky. Tricky because someone can be a very kind, loving person but if you share little in common with them, you are still left feeling lonely and misunderstood the majority of the time. The office I have worked in for the almost one year now is the only place in Florida I feel "understood." Even though we are all SO different, we have common values and that has been indescribably valuable to me.

When I initially moved to Florida, I misstepped and told myself that I needed to change to suite my surroundings. In the last two weeks, I have started, with God's love and support, to undo all of the damage that changing myself to fit my surroundings has done. Last evening, God blessed me with the last of many church visits and I can confidently say that God led me to my new "church home." I almost started crying when I entered the sanctuary and after I heard the biblically sound teachings, I knew that pew, at that time, on that day was where God had called me.

I am not sure where God would like to take me. I have not a clue if I will remain in Florida to serve Him or move home to Indiana to serve Him or if He will send me to Timbuktu in His name. At this point, I am simply thankful that He is forgiving. That He is loving. That He is gracious. That He sees me as His child even when I'm a goof and try on the camelion coat in an attempt to make things fit here in the sunshine state.

I know that if God chooses to have me remain in Florida it will be an interesting call and would appreciate your prayers and support!

"Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and to approve what God's Will is, His good, pleasing and perfect Will."

The human condition

Green isn't a flattering color on me....

Recently, I have adopted an unsavory habit that I'm not proud of at all. It's actually fairly difficult for me to talk about because I am aware of just how unattractive it is but I know I'm not alone.

I have started to compare. Yes, ladies and gents, I have begun the slippery descent down the hillside. Here's how it works: I read something a friend writes on facebook and think, "I should be doing that!" I read something on a blog written by a complete stranger and think, "Hey, I could do that!" I receive a phone call from a friend to tell me about news they have and I think, "Wow, why am I not doing that?" So you see, it's quite a slippery hillside I'm standing on and the pathway down is a short, speedy one. It all starts with the thin, creepy, haunting voice of self doubt and before you know it, your bum is raw from all the rocks you're hitting on the way down and your face is left caked in mud.

The tricky thing with this particular hillside is that self-improvement is a positive thing. Stretching oneself through the pain of positive change is most certainly rewarding. God asks us to be willingly molded by His Word and His Will. However, my pesky little human brain fails to remember, at times of weakness, that God does not ask me to compare myself with others. He does not say, "Dear child, I am going to place individuals in your life for your to painstakingly compare yourself to. Please twist and push and pull yourself in all directions in an attempt to measure up to them. If you fail to measure up, in your opinion, please spend hours beating yourself up."

That just didn't seem right so I did some research. What He does have to say about comparison:

"Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else." Galatians 6:4

Focusing on improving what God has already made beautiful is the fun part. That's the kind of change I can get behind. Thank you, Jesus for the Word. It's pretty amazing in times where I get to sliding, uncontrollably down a muddy hillside.

Life made simple

Apparently, my compass was already fixin to point north...

I read an article archived on one of my favorite blogs recently with a HUGE list of things you could begin doing to simplify your life. It's interesting how quitting smoking has allowed me to tap in to this well of determination and strength that I wasn't aware existed. Conquering this little beast, day by day, has given me this amazing feeling about what my future may hold. Feeling empowered is an amazing way to begin and complete each day. I may be exhausted. My body may be releasing toxins left and right in all these different (and some quite annoying or down right disgusting) ways but my mind is clear of the addiction speak.

What and enormous gift I have been given. I digress...

The list within the article I am raving about begins with this initiative:

1) Choose four-five priorities/themes/aspects/notions that are the most important to you in life. These are the four-five elements you would like your life to be focused and centered around.

Easy! Um....wait...is it?

It was hilarious! I sat down a few days ago thinking that I had this in the bag. One, Two, Three, Four, Five and done. Next! Not so, my friends, not so. Spots 1, 2 and 3 filled up quite quickly and then...I froze. Four and five? FOUR and FIVE? What the heck were my fourth and fifth elements? And so...I took a few days to think about it and today, I filled in spots four and five. I was patient with myself and I liked that feeling.

After I completed step number one, I rolled up my sleeves and prepared myself for the next big task. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had already began to focus on the next five-ten initiatives. In fact, I had been doing some of the initiatives since moving to Florida. Steps like limiting media intake, television, consumerism, materialism. I have, by no means, been perfect at any of these steps but I found a morsel of pride in the fact that I had already begun to live some of the steps out.

I am not sure if there is something in the air or if I am simply feeling the effects of increased oxygen in my blood but life has been really blessed lately. There's a line from a song that I always think about when it comes to having pride:

"I wanna have pride, like my mama has, not like the kind in the Bible that turns you bad."

I feel that kind of pride today as I fall asleep and allow my body to repair itself and rest for another day. Pride in what I've been raised with. Pride that I am putting what I've been raised with to good use.

Beat

Those who are insanely productive: Those who do not smoke cigarettes. One in the same.

Monday and I am already beat. I have that feeling lurking somewhere in the pit of my stomach with a big fat name tag that reads: EXHAUSTED. My head keeps lowering in degrees closer to my chin hitting my chest. A physiological white flag waving.

It feels absolutely amazing to be this exhausted! To have a reason to get home late and run around like mad getting lunch packed and teeth brushed before bed. I don't feel like it's even productivity in vain either. I have a strong displeasure for productivity that results in someones insides turned upside down, their hair falling out and there teeth chattering from the velocity of life. In my opinion, that type of activity is just as demolishing as my cigarette addiction. The attempt to fill a void with another void. The hoops I jumped through tonight were lovely hoops. Hoops that will make my day smooth tomorrow and hoops that allowed me to connect with my friend.

Quick summary (and this is more to hold myself accountable to not smoking than it will prove to be entertaining.) Today I: Worked a 10 hour day, had dinner with my friend Robot, quick Target run with Robot, commuted home, quick gas station trip to fill up for tomorrow's commute (successfully went to gas station and did not purchase cigarettes), made homemade croutons for salad (lunch) tomorrow our of bread that was about to turn, made dressing in old olive oil bottle for said salad tomorrow, made salad for lunch tomorrow, did all dishes and left the kitchen looking spic and span.

It may sound as if I am taking pride in the small things. Honestly, it's because I am. When I was smoking, my whole life was about sitting outside, talking on the phone and smoking. While I will obviously keep the habit of talking on the phone with those I love and keeping in touch, it's nice to have time in the evening to make salad dressing or homemade croutons. It's nice to not have a full sink of dishes staring me down when I get home from work tomorrow because I wasted time tonight or simply felt too exhausted from treating my body like a garbage can that I couldn't bare to do them.

Smoking is a tricky addiction because it remains mainstream and somewhat common place. That may be one reason it is such a difficult habit to break. Because no one except the addict understands how much it robs from the addict. Health, monetary and general quality of life are all wrapped up in this addiction even if smokers do an excellent job of acting as if that's not the case.

I feel very blessed to be making this decision. Even though I have moments where I want to climb the walls of my apartment or bite someones head off, I know there is purpose to those feelings. I deserve good health and I'm grabbing it by the horns!

Homemade dressing ingredients:

Old Olive Oil Bottle I will now use all the time for homemade dressings (cleaned and sanitized each time of course!)

I had to throw this in! This is a bottle of "The Dreaming Tree" wine made in part by...you guessed it...Dave Matthews! Why is this significant at all to my quitting smoking? I am learning to enjoy life again. To enjoy the little things. I treated myself to this bottle because although I am attempting to save the money I am not spending on cigarettes, I thought a one week award was in order. And what a wonderful one week award it will certainly be!

Not as Catchy

"Smoke free in 2012" is not as catchy as "Smoke free in 2003" but I'll take it...

Deciding to make my quitting smoking a public thing was a surprisingly easy decision. I have spoken about quitting smoking in prior posts so I knew the cat was already out of the bag. I wasn't quite sure, however, that everyone (anyone, for that matter) knew that I had taken back the nasty habit, if even with reluctant arms.

Making my battle with cigarettes and everything encompassed within the swirling tornado referred to kindly as "addiction" public was an easy decision for a couple of reasons. One: I respond promptly to the threat of letting others down and thus, by making my quitting public, I am opening the door for others to "check-in." Two: I need to stay busy. Forward motion is everything. Each time I sit down to write about not smoking is a moment of the day that I am winning this little (Enormous) war.

My goal for 2012 was to quit smoking and so far, I've upheld that goal. And this....this is what I've been doing...

Homemade Spicy Shrimp and fresh bread for dipping

Tea and Reading on my porch in the sunshine

Cutting fresh citrus for homemade air freshener

Made my home, HoMe.