Definitions and all that jazz...

"Choices we are given. It's no choice at all."

Finding your way back to center can sometimes be an extremely precarious situation. Realizing that what you thought was up is actually to the left and around the corner is quite possibly, the most un-nerving experience one can have. Definitions morph and flex and change until they are no longer hard lines but rather the consistency of over-cooked noodles.

Fluid definitions; a contradiction in terms. However off the wall and zany this notion may be, fluid definitions most certainly lurk around the most abrupt corners we create for ourselves. I imagine fluid definitions to take pleasure, actually, in challenging our most staunchly guarded definitions. Those definitions that we function in and hold so closely to our chests that imprints remain on our skin as we turn over to fall asleep each night. Those are the definitions that fluidity loves to embrace.

"I am. I am. I am." Oh how the corners of my mouth exhaust themselves with this phrase. I have spent years of my adult life defining myself by what I do for a "living." What the hell does that even mean really? I am queasy thinking about how much respect we give stress disguised as a dollar sign by dignifying it with the word "living." I hope there are aspects of each position that make a person happy. I hope that each day finds each working individual feeling as if they contributed. But...a "living"?

As disgusted as I am with this premise, I have embraced it and hugged it so hard that its little head is getting swollen and pinkish in hue. As the thunderbolt hit me last night and I found myself smiling my way to sleep, I kicked that notion's ass.

You want to watch the heads of many turn in circles? When someone asks you about yourself, don't include what you do to write the rent check every month. Don't mention the project at work. Don't talk about your boss or how you may be up for a promotion. Talk about YOU. Who YOU are. Watch their eyes fall from their sockets and their hands wring uncomfortably in their laps.

"Tell me about yourself."

"I am a writer."

Missing home something fierce...

"Okay now part two now clear the house. The party's over take the shouting and the people, get out. I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to. I do not care what you assume or what the people told you."

All sorts of gifts...

Unwrapping can get complicated at times...

Recently, I chatted with some other Florida "transplants" about how it can be difficult to get in the holiday spirit in a climate that remains fairly moderate and steadfast. The humidity has definitely calmed down (a gift that I hadn't thought to write about but a gift indeed) but the bone chilling cold I am accustomed to the season bringing is still no where to be found. As I sit here, with both doors open, allowing the breeze to bellow in one door and out the other, I am stuck somewhere between incredibly thankful and incredibly torn. I love this weather and am thankful for it but the holiday spirit is hard to find in the sand and sun. At least for a northern little one.

While dropping a bag of goodies at Goodwill yesterday, I decided to bring the holiday spirit to me. (Bonus: I was able to do this and stay within my goals of only buying used - thank you Goodwill!)

Gift number one:

Although this little tree packed some serious holiday cheer and I felt like I was checking things off of my to-do list like crazy (rent, library books, goodwill drop-offs), I was hungry and I was ready to be home. Add that to the fact that I am not smoking and you have a good old fashioned recipe for road rage. As I rounded the corner into my courtyard, holiday tree in hand, I saw my screen door propped open. I hurriedly opened the box and realized that another gift had arrived. And so...I pulled up my shirt sleeve...took a breath....and said a big fat THANK YOU to Florida and God for helping me out something fierce.

Gift number two:

With my new adhesive assistance, my mood improved quickly and with some short research online, I found out that a) I no longer have to take my recycling with me once a week to work and b) I don't have to pay for curbside recycling at my apartment. What's option "c"? I can simply take my recycling once a week to a drop box a few blocks from my house and done and done. I realized I had a bin tucked away in my closest and since storage is precious in a studio...the bin is now the home for my recycling...on my porch.

Gift number three:

The last gift may seem small and somewhat foolish to many. If you are anything like me or you know me well at all, you are aware that I rarely "settle" unless I feel an assurance that settling is a right and solid choice. Add the fact that music and all those greats I love are most certainly the integral part of my settling and you'll understand why this was...

Gift number four:

"Hand print of God on the small of my back..."

Obstacle Number One

Honesty is the best policy...

Not surprisingly, my friends and family have been supportive of this little change-a-roo I'm attempting with some BIG lifestyle adaptations. I pretty much feel like the luckiest little lady on earth, what with people supporting me through these little changes that some may feel have no true effect on the world in general.

Contrary to what some brilliant minds think, I am a huge believer in the fact that everyone making little changes can lead to big changes felt throughout the world. A domino effect. After all, complacency breeds complacency.

I have been so diligent about posting about the parts of my little project that are going well that I thought it only fair to post about the part that wasn't going so well. Drum roll please...the SMOKING. I am fairly certain, as I sit fluttering away on this keyboard that the fact I am having trouble quitting surprises all zero of my friends and family. Not because there is no faith in me because I am, at times, humbled by others' faith in who I am. More so because if you know me at all...you've heard the commitment....from me....about a zillion times before.

I am humbled by this problem because I know, intellectually that smoking is simply needless. That the habit itself is disgusting and that there are no positive effects. I get it. I do, I do! I suppose though, I don't expect anyone to believe that I get it because I still haven't kicked the habit. I am doing "better" but what is better when you're talking about a life threatening habit. Better just isn't good enough. And so...tonight...after years of clucking on and on about how I didn't need any help because I was strong enough to do it on my own...I got help.

Thank God for altruistic people with large endowments (Michael Scott, you would know what to say here.) I called the Florida quit line and in less than a week...I will be the proud owner of that nicotine patch system! Finally swallowed the pride and to be honest it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. So thank you, Jan, my quit coach representative who was so nice and helpful on the phone this evening. Hopefully my insistent "I can do this on my own but I'd like to "try" this out" personality didn't make you want a cigarette when we got off the phone! Hahaha.

http://floridaquitline.com/

Quick Update

After a few minutes of fussing with the directions, I conquered my fear of the sewing machine and made this beautiful curtain for my closet door! In reality, my contribution to this art was a small pocket at the top to weave the curtain rod through...and the willingness to learn something new.

Thanks again, Cathy, for the sewing machine!

"Each time you win, it diminishes the fear a little bit. You never really cancel the fear of losing, you continually challenge it."

The whole kit and kaboodle

As my oven cools down, I too take a break...

Bread of the week? Herb Focaccia bread and man-o-day it is tasty, if I do say so myself! This weekend has been one gift after the next and I could not be more grateful or humbled by how life just tends to work the kinks out one at a time while we take a little breather. As I sat on a friend's porch last night, all wrapped up in my long sleeved sweater but still rocking the flip flops, I realized that "home" was here. That was one of many gifts I just had to be thankful for this weekend.

The yummy bread...

The goal of learning to sew...and thus...the sewing machine...

I babbled recently about my want to learn to sew. This want turned in to somewhat of a need

this weekend when I decided I just had to turn one of my tapestries into the curtain for my closet. Ask and you shall receive...I was blabbering on about how I was going to make this curtain when my friend pipes up and says, "I have an old sewing machine that I was going to give to the goodwill this week. Do you want it?" Do I? The best thing is, she still had the instructional booklet as well so lady doesn't have to try and learn how to use a sewing machine without any guidance at all. Not only is this friend beautiful inside and out but I had to love her even more when she stood there saying things like, "And you just put this here and then the thread goes here and this is how you lock the foot into place and if you need the zipper foot, here it is," as if I had touched a sewing machine since middle school. Time to roll up those sleeves and learn something new!

The long awaited herb garden...

In my attempt to cook most of my meals at home, I started to realize the need for fresh herbs on hand. When a friend gave me some fresh basil as a parting gift last week...I knew this to be true! And low and behold, fresh herbs on sale at the store today...I will now be putting sweet basil and cilantro in all of my recipes..be warned. I am quite stoked about this week's menu actually as I am going to make a vegetable curry to use up all my left over vegetables. I will post yummy photos when I am finished with it.

And down go the left-overs...

1.

2.

3.

Waste Not...Want Not.

In an effort to reduce waste, I am truly trying to find recipes just to use up those pesky left overs. Tonight as I ate my dinner and watched an episode of "The Office" (my current dinner tradition), I felt as though a little gift had fallen into my culinary world. The best thing about tonight's dinner is that I was able to stay within all of my current goals for changing up the eating routine!

Rice Balls (I'll admit...the name could use some tweaking)

1 cup cooked rice (make sure the rice is fully cooled if you are using fresh and not left-over)

2 whole eggs

1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1/2 tablespoon dried basil or oregano (after trying this, I would actually recommend oregano)

1/2 tablespoon garlic powder (I am obsessed with garlic. If you're not, use less!)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon pepper

1 cup dried bread crumbs

2 cups olive or vegetable oil

Optional: 1/4 lb. mozzarella cheese, cubed

1.Whisk eggs, Parmesan cheese, basil or oregano, salt and pepper until thoroughly combined.

2.Add rice to egg mixture (remember, the rice needs to be cool or the eggs will scramble)

3.Roll rice mixture into 1 inch balls and coat in dried bread crumbs

*If you would like, add a small cube of mozzarella cheese to the center

4.Heat oil in saucepan until a piece of rice sizzles when dropped in (350 degrees)

5.Occasionally flip rice balls to encourage even browning and cook until desired color

6.Drain on paper towel, serve with marinara sauce and ENJOY!

What I am discovering is that I am truly enjoying the challenge of using all of my left overs and wasting very little!

And 30.

"At 20 years of age, the will reigns. At 30, the wit. At 40, the judgement."

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."

Wit. Wit. Humor. Humor. Laugh. Laugh. Joke. Joke. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I have found that laughter flows quite easily from its buried place the instant the pressure cooker is moved from the hot burner to the cold. The boiling over moments somehow become humorous because the peace arrives that all paths, whether they be wayward or narrow, lead to the same fountain.

I wrote recently about some tweaking that I would like to implement into the ways in which I interact with the world around me. I believe whole-heartedly that one should be at peace with who they are. While I may be at peace with who I am...with the thoughts that swirl and the phrases that compute...I do believe it imperative to evaluate my actions every now and again in an effort to avoid stagnation.

And so....a list is born. This, an evolving list. Each item is committed to by yours truly for one calendar year from today with the hopes that many will be maintained leaps and bounds past the November 9, 2011 mark. In an effort to chronicle my progress on various items, I will be writing it out, hashing with verbal discourse, the falls and stand-ups from particular items.

1. Consumerism

I am going to aggressively tackle my urge to consume needlessly in a handful of ways which I hope will conclude with my hands open and not clutched tightly to the merry-go-round of "ooo...that's new and shiny."

*For this particular item, I am committing to buying "new" only those items which I cannot buy used. The rest... thrift stores and garage sales, folks. This particular decision will reduce my spending, consumption and strain on the environment.

*I also want to learn to sew. Since moving to Florida, the size I'm wearing has changed and I have a lot of clothing that is just sitting here. I have some ideas on what to do with the clothing to recycle it and make it usable again but I don't have the know how regarding the sewing side of things. This is something I would like to learn.

2. Food Sources

Due to my interest in all things culinary...I have read, listened and talked much about all things food for the better part of my adult life. One of my interests lies in the way that food production effects our environment negatively. I find it interesting that something we truly need, not just something we've convinced ourselves we need, has the potential to harm not only our earth but our bodies as well.

*I will attempt to purchase as much from local farmer's markets as possible - see you Saturday in downtown St. Pete!

*I will only eat meat that is raised free range, locally. With my budget...this pretty much means....no meat! I have been phasing meat out of my diet for a few weeks so I feel fairly prepared for this particular element of the dietary changes.

*I will make as much from scratch that I can in order to know exactly what I am putting in my body. For the past month, I have been making all my bread from scratch on Sundays for the coming week. Making bread is amazingly easy and it tastes much better too! I'm not going to be churning my own butter, mom, don't worry....I am attempting to be rational about this :).

3. Smoking

Many people know that I smoke and although I know it may seem like a small thing to some people, it's a very big thing to me. There are scads of personal reasons why I want to quit. Simply said, I respect myself and who I am and my smoking habit directly conflicts with that notion. (other factors include environmental impact of smoking as well as my general frustration towards the fact that someone somewhere is wealthy by the minute because I am choosing to ingest something that could very well make me sick.)

*This one is easy to describe. I am no longer going to smoke. Recognizing that I am far from perfect, I will use assistance (patch etc.) if I feel necessary. My one motivation for not using the patch is that many patches are produced, in part, by the same companies that produce cigarettes.

4. Reading, Writing and Arithmetic

This section may be the most nondescript of all however, most likely, the most important. When I moved to Florida, my TV stayed in Indiana because I didn't have room to move it. While originally, the issue was spacial, I have yet to purchase a TV because I didn't notice its absence in my life. Due to this, I have read for leisure and written frequently since moving.

*I would like to finish the book. Finish the book in the next calendar year. Whew! Just writing that made me weak in the knees. I have been working on a book for the past two years. It's time for the mamajama to be finished.

*Read more for leisure. I would like to read, on average, three books a month.

*The Arithmetic part was a joke....come on...seriously?

The deadly combination of no television and an introspective personality is that lists like this one can multiply quite quickly. For now...the sun has set and rest is calling.