Changes, Changes, Changes All Around!

"I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart!  And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.  So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27

I began writing this blog in January 2009.  The majority of my writings centered around my walk with God and the various lessons He taught me, fires He walked me through and the love and forgiveness He showered upon me.  I have attempted, failing frequently, to remain thankful and humble about the blessings God has bestowed upon my life...

Recently, God has blessed me with so many wonderful changes in such a small period of time that my head just recently stopped spinning!  He artfully walked me directly into the arms of the most wonderful man I have ever met - a man I will spend the rest of my life attempting to love as beautifully as he loves me.  

D and I were married on June 2, 2012 and life has been a whirlwind of lovely and at times, difficult adjustments!  Joining our lives together has been an experience that I could have never imagined or planned for - God knew me tremendously better than I knew myself and blessed me with that perfect fit! Being the kind of wife God calls me to be and in addition, the kind of (step) mother He expects me to be has been a challenging shedding of shelfishness but a beautiful one that I am beyond thankful for.  

In light of our mutual passion for writing, D and I have decided to write a blog together.  A colorful account of the life we share together and the lessons that God continues to teach each of us individually and as a couple.  We are so excited to see what His plan has in store for us next - stay tuned!!

Feel free to keep up with us at
http://www.kesterkompleted.blogspot.com/

Answered Prayers

I prayed, I prayed and I prayed...


In early March of this year, I decided to join eHarmony.  I had been on another dating website a few weeks prior and to say the least, the pickens were slim in the sunshine state!  I knew that eHarmony was reputible because I had friends who had met their husbands or wives on the website.  If I am being completely honest though, I had no faith that God would use eHarmony to connect me with my soul mate. 


Famous last words...
On March 6, 2012 I was matched with my soon to be husband, otherwise known as the man I've been praying for since I began speaking to God!!  I remember reading Derek's profile and thinking, "Geez!  In addition to being gorgeous, this guy seems to have a really pure heart!"  We began messaging and it didn't even occur to me that Derek being located in Texas and my being located in Florida could cause some heartache (I know, I have my moments of clarity, this was not one of them.) 


I am grateful the distance did not create hesitency in either of our hearts...


We emailed for a week before talking on the phone.  Long emails, emails that eventually turned from simple messages to word documents attached because of the length of the message.  We took our hearts, tipped them over and let them soak the keyboard in an attempt to connect to each other.  Emails turned to phone calls, turned to skype conversations, turned to he and I falling head over heels in love with one another before ever really "meeting" in person.  I laughed about it then and I laugh about it now because there was a palpable transparency from day one with he and I.  Even though we had never seen each other "in the flesh,"  the love we shared was real and true and steadfast.


D walked off of the shuttle at Tampa Bay airport at 11:50pm on April 26, 2012.  I fought tears as we made eye contact for the first time and thought to myself, "There he is."  I'll spare everyone the mushy details of that first 15 minutes but to say that the first minutes spent in his arms are unforgettable would be an enormous understatement!  We spent that whole weekend laughing, crying, talking, going to the beach, taking in movies and just "being" with each other.  I felt broken when we were driving to the airport on Sunday night.  As we drove and I attempted to keep my sense of humor, I remember feeling like I was being torn apart from limb to limb.  As if I was being dissembled one piece at a time.  We sat in the airport and agreed that we wanted to be together as soon as possible. 

Monday April 30th, 2012, I requested a transfer from the location I worked at in Sarasota, Florida to the location here in Dallas, TX.  One week later, I had a formal position offer and a start date of Monday May 14, 2012.  D hopped on a plane on Wednesday May 9, 2012, spent time packing up my apartment while I finsihed out the work week and we took off for our home together in Texas on Friday May 11, 2012!

In one week, we're getting married!!!

I would like to say that D and I had something to do with this.  I would like to take credit for this amazing gift we've been given and act as if either of us had control over our meeting and subsequent falling in love.  We know though, deep within our beings, that this is ALL GOD!!  That He created us with the intention of sharing our lives together and the only role we have played is an attempt to be obedient to Him (although we have both failed throughout our lives at this) and His calling.  There have been countless times over the last few months where he and I have expressed how deeply in awe we are at the grace and love of God!



In addition to get to spend the rest of my life with a man who although he is not perfect is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for me, I also get to love all over two wonderful, beautiful, angelic little ones.  D's children Faith and Charlie stole my heart during our first weekend together.  I cannot wait to be a witness to the amazing contributions each will make to the world around them in His name! 

...I am so blessed and so humbled and so in love...

Getting too comfortable

These days, any advertising executive or marketing genius knows that the easiest way to get to my heart is to use the word "comfortable" or any version of it, really. Ever since I moved to Florida, I have been subconsciously searching for comfort around every corner. Although I knew it in the back of my mind, I've been searching in all of the wrong places.

I have been enormously blessed my entire life by a family and friends that love me and care for me in ways that I am undeserving of. Living in Indiana my entire life, until the age of 29, provided me with an sense of comfort that I was largely unaware of and quite frankly took for granted. I was never aware of how blessed I was to be surrounded by others that had similar values, morals, backgrounds and goals for the future. Although we all differed in various ways (faith, family, race, orientation), there was a common ground that I was blind to and miss dearly.

To be frank, I have felt displaced on a consistent basis since moving to Florida in 2010. I have had more difficulty adjusting to living here than I ever imagined. I have met some incredibly kind individuals and I cannot express how thankful I am to them for welcoming me. However, the commonality of faith, values, etc. has not been present with most people and that makes things tricky. Tricky because someone can be a very kind, loving person but if you share little in common with them, you are still left feeling lonely and misunderstood the majority of the time. The office I have worked in for the almost one year now is the only place in Florida I feel "understood." Even though we are all SO different, we have common values and that has been indescribably valuable to me.

When I initially moved to Florida, I misstepped and told myself that I needed to change to suite my surroundings. In the last two weeks, I have started, with God's love and support, to undo all of the damage that changing myself to fit my surroundings has done. Last evening, God blessed me with the last of many church visits and I can confidently say that God led me to my new "church home." I almost started crying when I entered the sanctuary and after I heard the biblically sound teachings, I knew that pew, at that time, on that day was where God had called me.

I am not sure where God would like to take me. I have not a clue if I will remain in Florida to serve Him or move home to Indiana to serve Him or if He will send me to Timbuktu in His name. At this point, I am simply thankful that He is forgiving. That He is loving. That He is gracious. That He sees me as His child even when I'm a goof and try on the camelion coat in an attempt to make things fit here in the sunshine state.

I know that if God chooses to have me remain in Florida it will be an interesting call and would appreciate your prayers and support!

"Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and to approve what God's Will is, His good, pleasing and perfect Will."

The human condition

Green isn't a flattering color on me....

Recently, I have adopted an unsavory habit that I'm not proud of at all. It's actually fairly difficult for me to talk about because I am aware of just how unattractive it is but I know I'm not alone.

I have started to compare. Yes, ladies and gents, I have begun the slippery descent down the hillside. Here's how it works: I read something a friend writes on facebook and think, "I should be doing that!" I read something on a blog written by a complete stranger and think, "Hey, I could do that!" I receive a phone call from a friend to tell me about news they have and I think, "Wow, why am I not doing that?" So you see, it's quite a slippery hillside I'm standing on and the pathway down is a short, speedy one. It all starts with the thin, creepy, haunting voice of self doubt and before you know it, your bum is raw from all the rocks you're hitting on the way down and your face is left caked in mud.

The tricky thing with this particular hillside is that self-improvement is a positive thing. Stretching oneself through the pain of positive change is most certainly rewarding. God asks us to be willingly molded by His Word and His Will. However, my pesky little human brain fails to remember, at times of weakness, that God does not ask me to compare myself with others. He does not say, "Dear child, I am going to place individuals in your life for your to painstakingly compare yourself to. Please twist and push and pull yourself in all directions in an attempt to measure up to them. If you fail to measure up, in your opinion, please spend hours beating yourself up."

That just didn't seem right so I did some research. What He does have to say about comparison:

"Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else." Galatians 6:4

Focusing on improving what God has already made beautiful is the fun part. That's the kind of change I can get behind. Thank you, Jesus for the Word. It's pretty amazing in times where I get to sliding, uncontrollably down a muddy hillside.

Life made simple

Apparently, my compass was already fixin to point north...

I read an article archived on one of my favorite blogs recently with a HUGE list of things you could begin doing to simplify your life. It's interesting how quitting smoking has allowed me to tap in to this well of determination and strength that I wasn't aware existed. Conquering this little beast, day by day, has given me this amazing feeling about what my future may hold. Feeling empowered is an amazing way to begin and complete each day. I may be exhausted. My body may be releasing toxins left and right in all these different (and some quite annoying or down right disgusting) ways but my mind is clear of the addiction speak.

What and enormous gift I have been given. I digress...

The list within the article I am raving about begins with this initiative:

1) Choose four-five priorities/themes/aspects/notions that are the most important to you in life. These are the four-five elements you would like your life to be focused and centered around.

Easy! Um....wait...is it?

It was hilarious! I sat down a few days ago thinking that I had this in the bag. One, Two, Three, Four, Five and done. Next! Not so, my friends, not so. Spots 1, 2 and 3 filled up quite quickly and then...I froze. Four and five? FOUR and FIVE? What the heck were my fourth and fifth elements? And so...I took a few days to think about it and today, I filled in spots four and five. I was patient with myself and I liked that feeling.

After I completed step number one, I rolled up my sleeves and prepared myself for the next big task. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had already began to focus on the next five-ten initiatives. In fact, I had been doing some of the initiatives since moving to Florida. Steps like limiting media intake, television, consumerism, materialism. I have, by no means, been perfect at any of these steps but I found a morsel of pride in the fact that I had already begun to live some of the steps out.

I am not sure if there is something in the air or if I am simply feeling the effects of increased oxygen in my blood but life has been really blessed lately. There's a line from a song that I always think about when it comes to having pride:

"I wanna have pride, like my mama has, not like the kind in the Bible that turns you bad."

I feel that kind of pride today as I fall asleep and allow my body to repair itself and rest for another day. Pride in what I've been raised with. Pride that I am putting what I've been raised with to good use.

Beat

Those who are insanely productive: Those who do not smoke cigarettes. One in the same.

Monday and I am already beat. I have that feeling lurking somewhere in the pit of my stomach with a big fat name tag that reads: EXHAUSTED. My head keeps lowering in degrees closer to my chin hitting my chest. A physiological white flag waving.

It feels absolutely amazing to be this exhausted! To have a reason to get home late and run around like mad getting lunch packed and teeth brushed before bed. I don't feel like it's even productivity in vain either. I have a strong displeasure for productivity that results in someones insides turned upside down, their hair falling out and there teeth chattering from the velocity of life. In my opinion, that type of activity is just as demolishing as my cigarette addiction. The attempt to fill a void with another void. The hoops I jumped through tonight were lovely hoops. Hoops that will make my day smooth tomorrow and hoops that allowed me to connect with my friend.

Quick summary (and this is more to hold myself accountable to not smoking than it will prove to be entertaining.) Today I: Worked a 10 hour day, had dinner with my friend Robot, quick Target run with Robot, commuted home, quick gas station trip to fill up for tomorrow's commute (successfully went to gas station and did not purchase cigarettes), made homemade croutons for salad (lunch) tomorrow our of bread that was about to turn, made dressing in old olive oil bottle for said salad tomorrow, made salad for lunch tomorrow, did all dishes and left the kitchen looking spic and span.

It may sound as if I am taking pride in the small things. Honestly, it's because I am. When I was smoking, my whole life was about sitting outside, talking on the phone and smoking. While I will obviously keep the habit of talking on the phone with those I love and keeping in touch, it's nice to have time in the evening to make salad dressing or homemade croutons. It's nice to not have a full sink of dishes staring me down when I get home from work tomorrow because I wasted time tonight or simply felt too exhausted from treating my body like a garbage can that I couldn't bare to do them.

Smoking is a tricky addiction because it remains mainstream and somewhat common place. That may be one reason it is such a difficult habit to break. Because no one except the addict understands how much it robs from the addict. Health, monetary and general quality of life are all wrapped up in this addiction even if smokers do an excellent job of acting as if that's not the case.

I feel very blessed to be making this decision. Even though I have moments where I want to climb the walls of my apartment or bite someones head off, I know there is purpose to those feelings. I deserve good health and I'm grabbing it by the horns!

Homemade dressing ingredients:

Old Olive Oil Bottle I will now use all the time for homemade dressings (cleaned and sanitized each time of course!)

I had to throw this in! This is a bottle of "The Dreaming Tree" wine made in part by...you guessed it...Dave Matthews! Why is this significant at all to my quitting smoking? I am learning to enjoy life again. To enjoy the little things. I treated myself to this bottle because although I am attempting to save the money I am not spending on cigarettes, I thought a one week award was in order. And what a wonderful one week award it will certainly be!

Not as Catchy

"Smoke free in 2012" is not as catchy as "Smoke free in 2003" but I'll take it...

Deciding to make my quitting smoking a public thing was a surprisingly easy decision. I have spoken about quitting smoking in prior posts so I knew the cat was already out of the bag. I wasn't quite sure, however, that everyone (anyone, for that matter) knew that I had taken back the nasty habit, if even with reluctant arms.

Making my battle with cigarettes and everything encompassed within the swirling tornado referred to kindly as "addiction" public was an easy decision for a couple of reasons. One: I respond promptly to the threat of letting others down and thus, by making my quitting public, I am opening the door for others to "check-in." Two: I need to stay busy. Forward motion is everything. Each time I sit down to write about not smoking is a moment of the day that I am winning this little (Enormous) war.

My goal for 2012 was to quit smoking and so far, I've upheld that goal. And this....this is what I've been doing...

Homemade Spicy Shrimp and fresh bread for dipping

Tea and Reading on my porch in the sunshine

Cutting fresh citrus for homemade air freshener

Made my home, HoMe.

A sense of smell

One breath was all it took...

Thank goodness, thank God, for this week! In my previous entry, I describe how God touched my heart on Saturday and somehow, removed the hurt and bitterness that had started to sink in. That feeling of freedom and relief has continued this week and has even multiplied!

One of my biggest praises this week is the way that God has assisted me in changing my attitude. Even if we are blessed beyond measure, with everything we could possibly need or want, it is still in our power to choose to turn our back on God and live in a place of bitterness.

It's so easy to get stuck in a place where we refuse to take responsibility for our attitudes or our lack of effort and blame everything on God. The truth is, God can save us. God can provide us with our needs and wants. He is capable of comforting and providing in times where we may not be able to do that for ourselves. The trick is....we have to trust Him. We have to turn to Him and believe that He will provide. Most importantly, we have to start feeling strength in God instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.

As I was walking on campus yesterday, I took a deep breath and was struck by a feeling I have not experienced since living in Florida. It smelled like home. That may sound strange but for me, smells have always been able to conger up memories like no other. And this smell, it was distinctly of home. It's as if God removed all of the barriers for my loving Him and loving Florida and now....I can see (and sniff) clearly.

Florida was never the culprit and He is allowing me to remove the clothes pin and sniff out my place here.

Amazing Grace

It Finally Clicked!

I have been praying for months (literally) that I would be able let go of some pretty heavy duty baggage I seemed to have picked up when I first moved to Florida. It's been a long haul and for anyone who knows me well, it's been evident. I've allowed myself to get really low, really often. I can, without hesitation or doubt, say that the wallowing has not helped my situation and if anything, has hindered me greatly.

I have no clue why God chose today to speak to me on such a profound and palpable level but, I suppose that's kind of the thing with God, you never know when He's going to bless you with clarity. To be honest, I am not going to waste a second of my time wondering why today was the day that the gears clicked clacked like a well oiled machine. I could care less about why today was significant because I have some truths that I'm laying my head down on tonight. Some incredibly significant truths that I've been blinded to for quite some time now.

I am here for a short time and God has incredible purpose for my life. Although I am but a grain of sand on a huge beach full of other tiny little grains, God sees me as if I were a diamond. I have an exceptional family and that includes all the wonderful friends I have from growing up in Indiana as well as some amazing people I've met so far in Florida.

So what's the point of me blathering on about all the blessings I have (by the way, I left out about a million for the sake of the length of the blog entry)?

If I wallow, if I choose to get all caught up (tangled, really) in "stuff" that doesn't amount to a hill of beans...I'm missing all the good stuff! I don't know how and I don't know why now but God let that thunderbolt hit me tonight and well....it feels pretty freaking awesome!

Thank you, God for having been patient with me during my idiocy since I moved here and for loving me enough to snap me out of it.

Me and my friend Walt

"My respiration and inspiration, the beating of my heart, the passing of blood and air through my lungs."

WW Song of Myself

Obvious to me, the connection between the lovely Mr. Walt Whitman and yours truly, for quite some time now. Brilliant in ways that I should hope to be, the man was able to vocalize what was internal, beat out of his chest what seemed incapable to unearth. As common among poets, he was a emptier. He would empty himself of thoughts, of creativity, of emotion...of functionality in an effort to rid himself of the heart that beat thump, thump, thumpity thump thump from within. I wonder if sometimes he emptied so much that he found it difficult to see himself clearly. If he ever looked at himself in the mirror of his secluded cabin only to be met by a blurry vision of the man that stood before the mirror...

My imperfections are evident. My flaws float to the surface, regularly, for each and all to see. Even when I attempt to gloss over the bumps in the road, fleeting seconds, and there they are in all their glory. I have stopped fighting the flaws because, well, quite frankly, it's damn exhausting. Of course, I strive to better myself but I have learned to hug tight those little annoying traits about myself because I'm a big collection of faults so why the hell not?

There's this one flaw, though, that I cannot seem to embrace. I cannot seem to get my short stubby arms wrapped tightly around this particular flaw. My hands won't clasp together behind its back, the way your hands clasp tightly when you love something so dearly that the thought of releasing it makes your stomach churn and burn up your throat. My inability to embrace this flaw comes from years of being bitten by it and listening to others warn me that its bite is as bone crushingly strong as its shrill bark.

My capacity to love.

And we're not talking about butterflies and rainbows kind of love. We're talking about the kind of love where I find myself crawling down into ditches that others have dug and begging them to begin slinging the dirt. It's innocent, really. My faith in others to change. I have not a clue where its birth place lies, except that its been with me since day one and it lives in the lowest place in my gut. That place deep in your person where that which creates the very fiber of your being nestles in for the long haul. It all sounds so gracious, so kind, so lovely. In reality, it's a bitch of epic proportions. The lectures, the "let me tell you something, Lizzy's," the "you'll learn when you get olders" they are the byproduct of this lovely vice I hold in my hands.

The funny thing is, I get it. I, contrary to how I may appear when faced with any conundrum of the technical variety, am a pretty smart one. At least, when it comes to introspection, I've got that ground covered two fold (probably three.) It's not that I don't see the error of my overly nurturing, worrisome ways. It's that I have no idea how the hell to go about changing the beast into a beauty.

How do you shut off a faucet when you can't see the dial? I don't know how to keep my arms from flinging open. And such, in the words of my friend Walt, is life...

This week's forecast

Calmer seas ahead...

Kate came to visit this weekend and I had an absolute blast! We have known each other our whole lives, which makes it impossible to feel anything less than completely comfortable. We had great conversations full of updates about her new little one, her loving husband and all the changes that having said little one brings to life. It was so awesome to see the love in her eyes when she talked about her "little puffin" and the family she and her hubby have created. Naturally, we laughed until we cried and talked our little hearts out about what life has brought our way throughout the journeys we are on.

Kate asked me a few questions that necessitated some difficult answers this weekend and when we were finished with the conversation, she said, "Lizzy, I want to tell you something. You're going to be fine. Some things have happened here that have been really unfortunate and I am sorry you had to go through them. You know what to avoid in the future now and sometimes we have to make really stupid mistakes so that we can learn from them."

I felt like God had pulled up a chair in the chat and was using Kate as a tangible comfort. Sometimes, the sea gets so choppy that we lose sight of the horizon and forget that there's a beautiful sunrise in store for us when the weather breaks. I've started to see a break in the clouds, allowing a little sliver of light to escape in the last couple of months. Kate's ability to verbalize what I didn't even know I needed to hear gave me even more excitement about the day where the clouds will disappear completely and I'll have to wear my favorite shades to protect my eyes from the glare!

Forgiveness is such a difficult thing for me and I'm not sure how long it will take me to forgive the people I made the mistake of trusting when I first moved to the sunshine state. I am confident though that God is softening my heart to the idea of forgiveness. Having Kate here to laugh with, lay on the beach with, girl chat with and all of the lovely things that come along with a girl's weekend, helped me realize that God's blessings are plentiful in my life. Piece by piece, He's allowing me to feel His embrace by putting friends and family in my life who are willing to help me rebuild what has been shattered and move the heck on.

After all, God never says that the storms won't rage and our boats won't get racked. He just promises to help us bail our boats and re-direct our paths towards the horizon!

30's

"That's what your 20's are for. You're 30's are to learn your lessons. You're 40's are to pay for the drinks."

I turned 30 years old 11 months ago. I always thought turning 30 would be a more significant event for me. I thought my mentality would change and I would begin to manifest those changes in my lifestyle. It seems...I am a little late to the party on this one. I am fairly certain that it is impeccably less fashionable to arrive 11 months late than say, 20 minutes but alas, I am here. Traffic was a bitch.

A whole gamut of things to "blame" but much time has been wasted expressing my thoughts on that topic so I'm choosing to move on. Thirty passed me by but lately, she's rounded the corner and she is an insistent little thing.

Although my over-active mind has always allowed me to fantasize about living out my ideals in big ways, my ability to procrastinate has aided me well in my pursuits of not actually doing anything. Lately though, the fire in my belly has reached a boiling point. Action is now, simply put, unavoidable.

Netflix on demand is a lovely invention. An invention that has allowed me to indulge my love for all things documentary about food, health, global warming, the food industry, etc.. My perfect escape from what I know I need to do and what I don't know how to do is to watch other people do it. Somehow, I trick myself, if only for a hour or so, into feeling engaged and involved.

Recently, I had my blood pressure taken and it was high. Just typing this sentence makes me realize that I am not a kid anymore. The fact that I'm even thinking about my blood pressure and in turn, writing about it, is mind blowing to me. My first thought when she told me? No shit. No shit my blood pressure is high. I could have told you that without the dial. Living in a near constant state of stress tends to do that to a person. Now, I know that I've always been a little "keyed up" but since my move to Florida, it's been encompassing.

In an effort to calm my mind by calming my body and learn to let the shit go and focus on the farmer's market....I'm gonna put my ideals in action and start the wheels turning. I am choosing to make my triumphs (and struggles) public here on my blog so that I can share my experiences on the road to equilibrium.

Schooled

"The most useful of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue."

Antisthenes

Repeated lessons are profoundly effective. When we stumble time and again over the same boulder in the walkway, we tend to become fed up with the process of getting banged up and learn to walk around the road block.

Re-charting the territory a bit and creating pathways in which new lessons can be learned. Positive lessons. Happy lessons. Lessons that are the making of butterflies, rainbows, puppies and all things shiny.

Consistently a proponent of instruction that encompasses all learning styles, I'm apparently not a fan of the being disrespected in my own home variety. Who would have thought....

Kicking the damn boulder out of the way and watching it shatter into a trillion insignificant little pebbles.

Redefining Communication

Are we redefining communication or stifling it?

In an over-communicative world, one has to wonder…have we communicated ourselves right out of something to say? Have we murdered the art of conversation down to abbreviations and symbols that will fit into one text message? While avoiding data-plan overage charges is a thrifty idea indeed, I worry that we may be robbing ourselves of true substance.

In addition to the instantaneous nature of personal communication, we’re suffering from other abbreviated forms of communication as well. If, during the few seconds it takes us to sign into our email accounts, we don’t see a shocking or moving headline scroll; do we even think to read the news? Have we become so accustomed to being spoon-fed that we fail to realize the reward of digging?

Today, I remembered an assignment I had in high school where, for economics class, we were told to keep a close eye on the economic nature of our country. In order to facilitate the important lesson, we were asked to subscribe to the Wall Street Journal. I had to wonder; do students these days get the pleasure of inked fingertips and the smell of the word press? Or, are they in their self-sufficient bedrooms, seated comfortably in front of a glowing screen, hoping to find just enough information to complete their assignment; all the while, attempting to make it look as though they understand the information?

As I scrolled through the homepage of my facebook account today, I found myself debating the pros and cons of this phenomenon. I cannot, even with my closet hippie tendencies exposed, proclaim that this form of communication is all bad. After all, most likely, I will post the link to my blog on facebook as soon as I hit the submit button. The fact that I’m writing in a blog at all is evidence that I too feel the urging for my voice to be heard. But has it cheapened sentiment? Is a “Happy Birthday” or “Congratulations, you’re {insert important life event}!” really the same pumped through facebook for all to see?

As I completed tasks around my apartment this weekend, I became acutely aware of my attachment to my cell phone. I love hearing from those that I hold dear in my life but when I add it up, I am fairly certain that the efficiency of my chores would considerably increase if I wasn’t at the beck and call of a text alert.

And full circle…

Is our society so obsessed with instant communication that we ourselves have single handily held the assault weapon to conversation, unknowingly? Have we advanced so far in the “instant” that when we’re in the presence of others, we’re all tapped out of things to say? After all, how many times have you heard someone (or yourself) say, “Did you read my post on facebook?” only to be answered with, “Oh yeah, that was funny, I can’t believe that happened to you!” I find that these moments are quickly followed by a labored pause and a fleeting thought of “well, there goes that story.” Are we so quick to click on “status update” that we lose the update all together?

Just something to chew on for awhile…

There's good stuff here...

Step back....look around....drink it in.....

I have to confess that the title of the blog is actually a quote from one of my favorite shows. During the spiral down of a once sparkling connection, the man pauses as he walks out the door and says, "There's good stuff here."

I've always been a firm believer that if you were, at one time, truly in love with someone or something or some place, remnants of that force will remain with you always. Pieces will break off as the years roll forward and float into corridors of your mind that may not receive much attention but that person or thing or place will remain loved on some level.

I'm not suffering from a break-up but lately, I have been suffering from a lack of connection with this place that I was once so enamored with that I picked up and moved. Losing sight of the beauty and allowing myself to feel as if everything has gone to shit. Apologies, there's not lady like way to say that particular truth. A version of tunnel vision descended and all I have been able to see is the ugly that the sandy beaches do a darn good job of covering up for the tourists.

The truth is, there is ugly everywhere, if that's what you choose to focus on.

Even in...gasp...my beloved home state, Indiana. The emotional connection I have with so many that still live there is what allows me to think of Indiana as this magical place where everyone is kind, everyone can be trusted and no one ever flakes out on you.

I have read a few articles lately about transitioning from where you grew up to a far away land that you chose to move to. I have particularly focused on articles that chronicled the experience of those that chose to do that "alone" or as a single little one. It seems that the cold, hard facts point to the fact that this type of transition is just plain difficult. It's takes well over a year to establish a sense of home somewhere when you're building from nothing.

Shockingly, contrary to my typical patient nature, I haven't been patient with this process or the people that surround me.

Put the hostility down and step away, Liz. No one is saying that where you grew up isn't awesome. That doesn't mean that Florida can't be awesome too.

3 wishes...

"Everything you have, inside and out, can be stolen from you if you allow it to be."

So much more than material possessions. I like my bed, my computer, my chair, don't get me wrong. But these things are just that....things. What I like even more is my ability to reason and conclude from the information around me. The gift that God has given me to deduce reality in situations and act accordingly. Three truths I came upon this weekend:

1) Cigarette companies and their executives could quite possibly be wealthy (or become so) at the hand of my health and risking of life. A truth that got me through a craving today that was so fierce, I found myself pissed at nothing. But I came out on the other side of the craving, not having puffed away on something that literally has no positive attribute.

2) A week ago, I started to embrace my love of eating at home and treating my body well with "whole foods" again. Nothing fancy or impressive but it hasn't been processed. I have enjoyed both the fiscal savings of not sitting in a circular line around a cookie cutter building for half of my lunch break AND the fact that my body has felt better.

3) My opinion, if true and holistically cultivated by yours truly is not up for debate. When I say I feel something, I am not inviting the verdict as to whether others are functioning in common thought.

And so...my health, emotionally and physically is a blessing that I've been given. It's about darn time I started taking care of both. This process of rebuilding may not be easy but after the year I've had...I'm pretty sure I'm up for anything!

Thank you, Lord, for your blessings and ability to change that which has not been working since June 2010.

Love is a Shelter.....

"Love is a shelter, in a raging storm. Love is peace in the middle of a war."

I absolutely adore the song "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield. I've loved it ever since I heard it first in the film "Fireproof" and then at my friends' wedding. It's a beautiful song that talks about love being a house that we enter in to, committing to never leave.

For me, it's always spoken to the level of commitment God has to loving us and the commitment he urges us towards in our relationship with Him; obviously, it can be applied to relationships with one another as well.

There's a line from the song that says, "And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door." When I listened to the song tonight, it really struck me that whether life is easy or difficult, whether our days are short and sweet or long and challenging, God calls us to the same level of obedience. He calls us to that level of obedience because He loves us and He knows that we need Him in order to be truly satisfied and at peace in life.

I have continually attempted to challenge this notion, unintentionally. I'm not sure why, exactly but I am sure it comes down to a general feeling of undeserving. Why would God want me to be His child? We all wonder that from time to time because we know how imperfect we are. The beauty is that God began loving us prior to even creating us and that means that He knew exactly how annoyingly rebellious or dreadfully questioning we were going to be. He knew it and yet, He loved us enough to create us and send His son to death for us.

Life is unbelievably beautiful when looking through the lens I have been given as God's child.

Thank you Jesus, for your love and your forgiveness. Someday, we'll laugh about my foolishness....

Throwing darts in the dark....

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some under culture but mainly to save themselves, to survive."

An octopus whose tentacles were detached in a tragic accident. A cat whose whiskers were singed off when curiosity got the best of him with that sweet smelling candle.

Writing sustains this little soul and allows me to feel my way through the dark.

Sometime in the last few months, I stopped courting writing, however handsome he was to me at one time. I stopped making him dinner. I stopped telling him how dashing he looked in his smile. I allowed him to whither from lack of attention...from neglect.

Shame on me.

There's a scene from a movie where a woman describes the need for a man in a remote village to create a totem pole. She details his conversations about how the creation of the totem pole allowed him to fill a hole in his heart. She admits that she cried when she saw it, standing tall and carefully carved before her.

A visually artistic bone does not exist within my being. I'd force that realization upon my friends and family by taking art classes and sending my "works" across the country to sit atop mantles but...I love everyone too much for that madness.

My totem pole may not be visually striking but striking it is nonetheless. It is my personal belief that we are not given choices as to those things in life with which we are granted the ability to do with great ease. Writing happens to be a choice I was given.

As I sat mesmerized by a new album I acquired this weekend, I almost felt as if I was sitting in my old bedroom in high school. Hours spent listening to music (some good, thanks to the musical tastes of my family. Some, not so good thanks to youth and idiocy). The lyrics were what grabbed me. The words of someone who I never had the opportunity to meet (I'm holding out for a dinner date, Ben) somehow wiggled and wormed their way into my chest and compressed and released.

I read an article recently where the author purely and simply gave an urging to souls floating who felt as though writing were their insides. He said, "Write for no pay. Spill the guts of who you are onto paper or keyboards whenever you can. Tell your story or the story of others as if someone will one day give a shit. It matters. It all matters. What's floating around in there? It has substance because it is. So write without the paycheck and click clack those heels together the day someone offers you one."

Building totem poles one letter at a time.

Does it really?

" Come on now! No one is a one dimensional piece of art. Everyone is one of those mixed media pieces. You know the kind I'm talking about. Those canvases that have all that shit on them? The ones where you stand there and wonder if you're seeing painted bristles or hair. We're all one of those."

When I heard this quote today, it immediately made me laugh out loud like a crazie in my tiny studio...sound bellowing off the walls and floors at a deafening intensity. It made me laugh because I think we all have moments where we surprise ourselves with our own thoughts. I find myself physically reacting to those thoughts sometimes, as if I am in shock of my own hamster wheel. It's humorous really, when you think about it. That you can know people for years upon years and yet find yourself in a wine-shooting-from-nostril situation as they verbally spew their innards over dinner.

I like knowing that even my own words and actions surprise me at times. It's even more entertaining than being shocked by others. I mean..you kind of expect to be surprised by thoughts that don't originate within your being, you know? If you are able to pull rabbits out of your own hats and find yourself gagging on handkerchiefs you weren't aware you swallowed, that's pretty damn amazing, if you ask me.

I started thinking about things that I was surprised by and came up with a list of five before my attention was grabbed by a Band of Horses song:

5) Even with a degree in hospitality and a love of cooking, I would take a Totino's Party Pizza over any five star spread any day.

4) Sometimes, I crave thunderstorms here like I craved sunshine in Indiana.

3) I don't feel the need to express everything and I'm pretty sure that will stick with me through all the days.

2) I am a sucker for Lloyd Dobler and I'd pretty much melt for a boom box situation, even if it is a little creepy when you really think about it.

1) When people ask me what my favorite music is, I get legitimately stressed out.

"Um...you're real but you hide it well? That didn't make you feel better, did it?"

Looking in from the outside

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, or morphine or idealism."

It's so easy to let the glasses slip to the end of our slightly turned up noses and judge. When we cannot, for all the thinking and over thinking in the world, wrap up the actions of others into understandable, delectable little packages, our instinct is to judge.

An innate response to that which we cannot understand. Judgement, however prickly and ugly we may know it to be, is fostered in us from birth.

Interestingly enough, judgement can serve us impeccably well in instances where we judge our surroundings or actions as negative and run screaming in the opposite direction. That kind of assumptive thought is an element necessary to survival for which we should be thankful. On the underbelly, however, judgement can scoop us up, grasping directly under our arms, and float us neatly to a resting place atop pedestals for which we are unfit to stand.

I came across this quote when I was reading an article the other day (listed above) and for whatever reason, the matter between my shoulders hasn't been able to release it from the grips. It struck me in a palpable way, this notion that addiction is imbalanced and, in my opinion sad, in whatever form it lives and breaths.

Sometimes, I imagine addiction as a little troll, dwelling right behind the flower patch that's so tempting to stick your nose into and take a deep breath. Just patiently waiting to reach up with grubby little troll hands and replace the flower with poison the minute your eyes close in an attempt to fully appreciate the scent.

However you look at it, whatever your opinion or lack of opinion may be, whether you've spent hours or seconds thinking about addiction, I think we can all agree that addiction is a nasty beast.

The interesting element to addiction is that it robs not only the addict but all those that love and admire that addict, of that person. Losing someone while standing face to face with them is a completely different kind of loss. This tangible loss in indescribable. Watching a person melt before your eyes as if you were indulging in a midnight showing of The Wizard of Oz is an experience that haunts you.

The haunting is strongest when you allow yourself to question not only the motivations of the lost but also the motivations of the remaining. When you begin to investigate the demise from angles scientist everywhere would be proud of and are repeatedly left empty handed, the loss turns on you like a trick mirror in a fun house.

The who-it's and what-it's and why-it's of addiction will always be with me. Grieving the loss of someone who still walks and talks has been an out of body experience from which I am certain I have learned something; yet uncertain of exactly what that lesson may be.

For now...I find myself grateful that I am beginning the process of separating the addiction from the person and accepting sad facts to be sad facts.

Tackling the why-it's? I'll leave that for another day.