The phrase, "It's been real" comes to mind as I sit down to write this evening. Possibly, a more fitting phrase would be "This is unreal." Either way you slice the cake, as I sat down to write, I realized that my life, as of late, has been very real. Real in ways that have made me cry and grieve from places I rarely explore. Real is ways that make me laugh from places that have appreciated the long over due expression of energy. Plain and simple, my friends, the realness that has radiated from the depths of this being.
My relationship with God has been twisted at times throughout the past few weeks, seeming like years, at times. Ups and downs have driven me closer and pulled me further from God than I have journeyed in recent years. Through the ups, He's shown me His face in truer glory than I had ever imagined the ability to see. Through the downs, He's cradled me, even in times where I attempt my little heart out to escape His grip. A steadfast love, an unfailing desire to understand me, a never ending well of patience to continually accept this bleeding heart, God has been my partner through these days.
There's a line from a Dave song that rang so true and so poignant in my heart this week, "Be wary of those who believe in a neat little world cause it's just f-ing crazy, you know that it is." The craziness of life is so touching and so beautiful with an unfailing capacity to bring alongside a measure of sadness and depth.
While I travel through this broken, fallen world, I choose to think of the touching and beautiful moments as those ordained happily by God. The moments where He smiles to himself and utters, "Man, she's going to love this!" The gifts He delivers are not only in the form of large blessings, but rather, can come during 3am conversations. Conversations that consist of very little talking but rather, uncontrollable laughter and idiocy appreciated by all those involved. As insignificant as some may view a good moment, as small and meaningless as a joke shared between friends or a private moment where I find myself saying, "I am so glad no one saw that," may seem, these are the moments I choose to thank God for.
As any parent knows (or those of us who feel as though we're parents), there are moments where you must allow unhappiness to grace the path of your children. As sadly as you deliver the news, you grieve in private about the necessity of this role you've been given in the child's life. Moments like these cannot and should not be easy but they are most certainly, ordained. I know that God has grieved the sad moments of the last few weeks but I am so thankful He's chosen to be my teacher, in whatever ways He knows are correct and true.
I thank God that the last few weeks have "been real" and I pray for the grace to enjoy tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
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