I have written and erased, written and erased, written and erased again this entry. I am not quite certain if the problem is my inability to wrap my mind around what I am thinking OR that I am normally not as vulnerable in this here cyberspace to write what I am thinking. Bear with me, folks, because this entry is, most likely going to be long and at the end, you may be left scratching that head of yours, thinking, "What are they putting in the water in St. Pete Florida? My friend is freaking nuts!"
When I moved to Florida, I pictured a life of permanent vacation. Beaches, cold drinks with umbrellas in them, sunsets. Although I knew that life would still include dirty laundry and electric bills, I saw Florida as a way to relax and reboot. A way to decompress after years of taking care of others.
Life here in Florida has held many of the aspects I had in the mental photograph. I have shared some tasty drinks with friends (I have even found beers that I actually enjoy). I have watched the sunset over the ocean on beaches that are nationally ranked for their beauty. I have driven over the ocean on one of the most beautiful bridges I have ever seen every weekday morning in my commute. I have learned what it means to have the weather determined by the ocean which has been positive and also scary at times! I have been blessed with a job that I can leave at the doorstep.
All in all...Florida has been what I pictured.
Life in Florida has come with some other blessings as well. I am choosing the word blessing very carefully because these blessings have not been easy to swallow at times. I have learned so much about myself in the few months I have lived down here. Call me crazy but I was not prepared for this move to bellow in so many moments of self reflection. You can call me crazy, it's okay. I have not a valid reason in my little mind why I thought moving away from Indiana would not come with some hurdles...I mean...blessings...
As my close friends and family know, my move has come with some major growing pains. I have spent nights in my little studio where I thought the day light would never come, tossing and turning and feeling lonelier than I ever thought humanly possible.
I have questioned this move more times than I would like to admit. At the beginning of each day, though, I am reminded that my decision was guided by much more than my want to be near the beach. I felt an urging so deeply in my core before moving and I know in my little heart that this move was not in vain.
Failure...
Failure is an odd beast. One that we often turn away from. Even in the privacy of our own minds, we tend to figure out ways to hide in corners or run rapidly through corridors where we know the realization of failure is lurking. I am not a person that enjoys admitting failure any more than the next but in this case, I can utter quite certainly, "I have failed." In one enormous (and most likely, countless others) way, I have failed since my move to the sunshine state.
I have failed to take the focus off of myself and my wants and needs and step back. Step back to the day I made the decision to come here and remember the urging I felt in my spirit. I realized today that I have given no credit to God for where I am now. I have failed to thank Him, to ask Him for His guidance, to consult with Him on anything since moving. Not one time have I gotten on my knees and thanked Him for getting me here safely, for helping me find a job, for allowing me to find the cutest little studio apartment in the cutest little part of St. Pete. I haven't asked Him for guidance on the days where I felt like I would implode into myself with loneliness. I haven't allowed Him in at all, really. Not one freaking little iota. He has been on the back burner.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That's the sound of me backing up (you can imagine me doing a really slow moon walk backwards now if you would like! Make sure you add the robot arms.)
"So that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory."
1 Thessalonians 2:12
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