3 wishes...

"Everything you have, inside and out, can be stolen from you if you allow it to be."

So much more than material possessions. I like my bed, my computer, my chair, don't get me wrong. But these things are just that....things. What I like even more is my ability to reason and conclude from the information around me. The gift that God has given me to deduce reality in situations and act accordingly. Three truths I came upon this weekend:

1) Cigarette companies and their executives could quite possibly be wealthy (or become so) at the hand of my health and risking of life. A truth that got me through a craving today that was so fierce, I found myself pissed at nothing. But I came out on the other side of the craving, not having puffed away on something that literally has no positive attribute.

2) A week ago, I started to embrace my love of eating at home and treating my body well with "whole foods" again. Nothing fancy or impressive but it hasn't been processed. I have enjoyed both the fiscal savings of not sitting in a circular line around a cookie cutter building for half of my lunch break AND the fact that my body has felt better.

3) My opinion, if true and holistically cultivated by yours truly is not up for debate. When I say I feel something, I am not inviting the verdict as to whether others are functioning in common thought.

And so...my health, emotionally and physically is a blessing that I've been given. It's about darn time I started taking care of both. This process of rebuilding may not be easy but after the year I've had...I'm pretty sure I'm up for anything!

Thank you, Lord, for your blessings and ability to change that which has not been working since June 2010.

Love is a Shelter.....

"Love is a shelter, in a raging storm. Love is peace in the middle of a war."

I absolutely adore the song "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield. I've loved it ever since I heard it first in the film "Fireproof" and then at my friends' wedding. It's a beautiful song that talks about love being a house that we enter in to, committing to never leave.

For me, it's always spoken to the level of commitment God has to loving us and the commitment he urges us towards in our relationship with Him; obviously, it can be applied to relationships with one another as well.

There's a line from the song that says, "And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door." When I listened to the song tonight, it really struck me that whether life is easy or difficult, whether our days are short and sweet or long and challenging, God calls us to the same level of obedience. He calls us to that level of obedience because He loves us and He knows that we need Him in order to be truly satisfied and at peace in life.

I have continually attempted to challenge this notion, unintentionally. I'm not sure why, exactly but I am sure it comes down to a general feeling of undeserving. Why would God want me to be His child? We all wonder that from time to time because we know how imperfect we are. The beauty is that God began loving us prior to even creating us and that means that He knew exactly how annoyingly rebellious or dreadfully questioning we were going to be. He knew it and yet, He loved us enough to create us and send His son to death for us.

Life is unbelievably beautiful when looking through the lens I have been given as God's child.

Thank you Jesus, for your love and your forgiveness. Someday, we'll laugh about my foolishness....

Throwing darts in the dark....

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some under culture but mainly to save themselves, to survive."

An octopus whose tentacles were detached in a tragic accident. A cat whose whiskers were singed off when curiosity got the best of him with that sweet smelling candle.

Writing sustains this little soul and allows me to feel my way through the dark.

Sometime in the last few months, I stopped courting writing, however handsome he was to me at one time. I stopped making him dinner. I stopped telling him how dashing he looked in his smile. I allowed him to whither from lack of attention...from neglect.

Shame on me.

There's a scene from a movie where a woman describes the need for a man in a remote village to create a totem pole. She details his conversations about how the creation of the totem pole allowed him to fill a hole in his heart. She admits that she cried when she saw it, standing tall and carefully carved before her.

A visually artistic bone does not exist within my being. I'd force that realization upon my friends and family by taking art classes and sending my "works" across the country to sit atop mantles but...I love everyone too much for that madness.

My totem pole may not be visually striking but striking it is nonetheless. It is my personal belief that we are not given choices as to those things in life with which we are granted the ability to do with great ease. Writing happens to be a choice I was given.

As I sat mesmerized by a new album I acquired this weekend, I almost felt as if I was sitting in my old bedroom in high school. Hours spent listening to music (some good, thanks to the musical tastes of my family. Some, not so good thanks to youth and idiocy). The lyrics were what grabbed me. The words of someone who I never had the opportunity to meet (I'm holding out for a dinner date, Ben) somehow wiggled and wormed their way into my chest and compressed and released.

I read an article recently where the author purely and simply gave an urging to souls floating who felt as though writing were their insides. He said, "Write for no pay. Spill the guts of who you are onto paper or keyboards whenever you can. Tell your story or the story of others as if someone will one day give a shit. It matters. It all matters. What's floating around in there? It has substance because it is. So write without the paycheck and click clack those heels together the day someone offers you one."

Building totem poles one letter at a time.

Does it really?

" Come on now! No one is a one dimensional piece of art. Everyone is one of those mixed media pieces. You know the kind I'm talking about. Those canvases that have all that shit on them? The ones where you stand there and wonder if you're seeing painted bristles or hair. We're all one of those."

When I heard this quote today, it immediately made me laugh out loud like a crazie in my tiny studio...sound bellowing off the walls and floors at a deafening intensity. It made me laugh because I think we all have moments where we surprise ourselves with our own thoughts. I find myself physically reacting to those thoughts sometimes, as if I am in shock of my own hamster wheel. It's humorous really, when you think about it. That you can know people for years upon years and yet find yourself in a wine-shooting-from-nostril situation as they verbally spew their innards over dinner.

I like knowing that even my own words and actions surprise me at times. It's even more entertaining than being shocked by others. I mean..you kind of expect to be surprised by thoughts that don't originate within your being, you know? If you are able to pull rabbits out of your own hats and find yourself gagging on handkerchiefs you weren't aware you swallowed, that's pretty damn amazing, if you ask me.

I started thinking about things that I was surprised by and came up with a list of five before my attention was grabbed by a Band of Horses song:

5) Even with a degree in hospitality and a love of cooking, I would take a Totino's Party Pizza over any five star spread any day.

4) Sometimes, I crave thunderstorms here like I craved sunshine in Indiana.

3) I don't feel the need to express everything and I'm pretty sure that will stick with me through all the days.

2) I am a sucker for Lloyd Dobler and I'd pretty much melt for a boom box situation, even if it is a little creepy when you really think about it.

1) When people ask me what my favorite music is, I get legitimately stressed out.

"Um...you're real but you hide it well? That didn't make you feel better, did it?"

Looking in from the outside

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, or morphine or idealism."

It's so easy to let the glasses slip to the end of our slightly turned up noses and judge. When we cannot, for all the thinking and over thinking in the world, wrap up the actions of others into understandable, delectable little packages, our instinct is to judge.

An innate response to that which we cannot understand. Judgement, however prickly and ugly we may know it to be, is fostered in us from birth.

Interestingly enough, judgement can serve us impeccably well in instances where we judge our surroundings or actions as negative and run screaming in the opposite direction. That kind of assumptive thought is an element necessary to survival for which we should be thankful. On the underbelly, however, judgement can scoop us up, grasping directly under our arms, and float us neatly to a resting place atop pedestals for which we are unfit to stand.

I came across this quote when I was reading an article the other day (listed above) and for whatever reason, the matter between my shoulders hasn't been able to release it from the grips. It struck me in a palpable way, this notion that addiction is imbalanced and, in my opinion sad, in whatever form it lives and breaths.

Sometimes, I imagine addiction as a little troll, dwelling right behind the flower patch that's so tempting to stick your nose into and take a deep breath. Just patiently waiting to reach up with grubby little troll hands and replace the flower with poison the minute your eyes close in an attempt to fully appreciate the scent.

However you look at it, whatever your opinion or lack of opinion may be, whether you've spent hours or seconds thinking about addiction, I think we can all agree that addiction is a nasty beast.

The interesting element to addiction is that it robs not only the addict but all those that love and admire that addict, of that person. Losing someone while standing face to face with them is a completely different kind of loss. This tangible loss in indescribable. Watching a person melt before your eyes as if you were indulging in a midnight showing of The Wizard of Oz is an experience that haunts you.

The haunting is strongest when you allow yourself to question not only the motivations of the lost but also the motivations of the remaining. When you begin to investigate the demise from angles scientist everywhere would be proud of and are repeatedly left empty handed, the loss turns on you like a trick mirror in a fun house.

The who-it's and what-it's and why-it's of addiction will always be with me. Grieving the loss of someone who still walks and talks has been an out of body experience from which I am certain I have learned something; yet uncertain of exactly what that lesson may be.

For now...I find myself grateful that I am beginning the process of separating the addiction from the person and accepting sad facts to be sad facts.

Tackling the why-it's? I'll leave that for another day.

Laryngitis

Patience is a virtue...

You know the drill. You go to the beach and have a great day only to come home with that nagging feeling of water in your ear. So...you stand in the middle of your living room, tilt your head to one side and jump up and down praying that the annoying pressure will dissipate. If that doesn't work, you will try just about anything to alleviate this nagging issue resulting in you searching "creative" cure-alls on the Internet in the middle of the night.

That's pretty much how I'm feeling today although it's not swimmers ear that is causing an issue. My issue is the plight of the square peg in the round hole. You know, I've heard that phrase countless times throughout my life yet I've never felt the phrase or identified with it like I find myself doing these days.

The other day, I was talking to good friend of mine here in Florida and we started talking about how different we were but how much both of us enjoyed our friendship, regardless. I meant it. This person has become someone that I truly enjoy being around and I find myself deeply grateful for the friendship we've shared. When we started chatting about this, however, I couldn't help but think about how I feel that "difference" between myself and everyone I am surrounded by here in Florida. I think that's probably why I've learned so much this year...because I am consistently surrounded by lovely people who are incredibly different from me. Who were raised differently. Who hold different values dear to their hearts. Who think differently. Feel differently. Eat differently. Relax differently. Recharge differently.

While the differences are beautiful and have been a blessing, there are days where I feel exhausted by them. I made a commitment to myself that I would be open to new experiences when I moved to Florida and with the exception of a few regrets, I have done just that.

A few months ago, someone I hold in rather low regard told me that I was "anti-social." Initially, I was upset by the comment later, chalking it up to just another lie to fall from lips incapable of being truthful. However, when I think about it, I realize that I may come off that way sometimes here. In groups of people, I find myself just kind of sitting back and taking it all in, rarely contributing to the conversation. When I do feel as though I have something pertinent to say, I am usually stepped on by the verbal pitter patter of others and my words are lost so I just continue to observe. I don't resent it but it is difficult to swallow sometimes because it's not how it's always been.

I started laughing the other day when I thought of that movie, "The Nanny Diaries" (yes I've seen it, laugh all you want) where Scarlet Johansson considers herself an anthropologist as she begins to nanny for a wealthy family because the lifestyle varies so much from what she is familiar with. I relate to that is so many ways. Like I am an observer, here to experience a new lifestyle and write about it. I have to wonder if I've taught anyone anything down here. I keep my mouth shut so often that it's hard to think I've influenced anyone, positively or negatively.

There are so many positives to stretching yourself in this way. The only negative aspect I have noticed is that sometimes, I am tempted to turn into a selfish child with my hands on my hips and my heels embedded in the sand screaming, "I want to do what I want to do for once!!" It's an ugly quality but it bubbles up from time to time, which is when I spend the day by myself doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Shattering one's comfort zone is good but there are moments where cocooning is necessary.

I have found a lot of comfort in the notion of patience and waiting on God's timing for things to feel more comfortable here for me. I do believe that I was led to Florida for a reason and I am attempting to remain patient and quiet until I begin to understand exactly why. I am so blessed!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23

Humbled

"I stand before you, Lord

Humbled by the love You give away.

A widow's mite, my will and pride,

It's all I have to offer anyway."

I find myself in a perpetual state of humility this week that I cannot seem to break away from. At times, I've felt like every corner I round brings with it another unexpected gift. I know that I am a good person and that I attempt to do my best each day but I am humbled by the blessings falling down all around me because I know, deep down that I am not exactly worthy of God's love. So...I am humbled and thankful that He's so gracious!

I've had big and small gifts this week and to be honest, I am as thankful for the seemingly minute gifts as I am for the larger than life ones. I have been truly blessed by a new position that has fed me professionally and personally through various avenues but the happiness from this one "little" change seems to be flowing throughout my life these days!

I feel driven for the first time in months. My to-do list that normally simply continues to grow is being added to and diminished simultaneously. I feel direction and guidance from God in a way that I have felt few times throughout my life. There are certain aspects of the direction that are interesting and somewhat confusing for me like the way I feel distant from those things which had come to be familiar. I remain confident though that this distance is guided and necessary.

I spent the weekend realizing that my "worry" list was dwindling. Yes..that's right...I have a worry list. You know, a list of items that I continuously worry about whenever I have a free moment. This week has made it clear as a bell just how distant I had become from those things which center me. Being me. Being happy. Being settled. Feeling safe. These things have made me realize how uprooted and unprotected I have felt for the past few months. Thank God for His love or I could have lived under that enormous pressure indefinitely.

Florida and my life here feels different now in such a penetrating, steadfast way...and it's about time!!