Life is Real

Real can be so good and so bad all at the same time...

The phrase, "It's been real" comes to mind as I sit down to write this evening. Possibly, a more fitting phrase would be "This is unreal." Either way you slice the cake, as I sat down to write, I realized that my life, as of late, has been very real. Real in ways that have made me cry and grieve from places I rarely explore. Real is ways that make me laugh from places that have appreciated the long over due expression of energy. Plain and simple, my friends, the realness that has radiated from the depths of this being.

My relationship with God has been twisted at times throughout the past few weeks, seeming like years, at times. Ups and downs have driven me closer and pulled me further from God than I have journeyed in recent years. Through the ups, He's shown me His face in truer glory than I had ever imagined the ability to see. Through the downs, He's cradled me, even in times where I attempt my little heart out to escape His grip. A steadfast love, an unfailing desire to understand me, a never ending well of patience to continually accept this bleeding heart, God has been my partner through these days.

There's a line from a Dave song that rang so true and so poignant in my heart this week, "Be wary of those who believe in a neat little world cause it's just f-ing crazy, you know that it is." The craziness of life is so touching and so beautiful with an unfailing capacity to bring alongside a measure of sadness and depth.

While I travel through this broken, fallen world, I choose to think of the touching and beautiful moments as those ordained happily by God. The moments where He smiles to himself and utters, "Man, she's going to love this!" The gifts He delivers are not only in the form of large blessings, but rather, can come during 3am conversations. Conversations that consist of very little talking but rather, uncontrollable laughter and idiocy appreciated by all those involved. As insignificant as some may view a good moment, as small and meaningless as a joke shared between friends or a private moment where I find myself saying, "I am so glad no one saw that," may seem, these are the moments I choose to thank God for.

As any parent knows (or those of us who feel as though we're parents), there are moments where you must allow unhappiness to grace the path of your children. As sadly as you deliver the news, you grieve in private about the necessity of this role you've been given in the child's life. Moments like these cannot and should not be easy but they are most certainly, ordained. I know that God has grieved the sad moments of the last few weeks but I am so thankful He's chosen to be my teacher, in whatever ways He knows are correct and true.

I thank God that the last few weeks have "been real" and I pray for the grace to enjoy tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day...

Sifting through it all

Out of chaos comes comfort...

The past few days have been chaotic. Emotions running high. Physical energy running low. As I laid on my bed last night, starring at the ceiling, I prayed for my thoughts to slow down. I prayed for my mind to be quiet. I knew I should just hop in my pjs and settle in for the sleep my body desperately needed. I knew though that my mind had a different set of needs. A need to calm down and find a resting place through the mess that encompassed the past few days.

The loss of a student is something I've never experienced and naively never expected to. My heart is tender at the loss her family and close friends must be feeling if my sense of loss is as great as it is.

In addition to the scar that Saturday created on my heart, Monday brought with it a whole new set of anxieties. The economic issues have stretched their tentacles into my realm for the first time and I am beginning to understand the stress I once only empathized with.

For almost two weeks now, I've been talking about making a list of the books I have in my apartment that have yet to be read. I intended to make a list and prioritize these pages upon pages so that I could rest and read what is already mine before setting out on an adventure in pursuit of other readings. As I sat on the edge of my bed, almost in a meditative state, last night, the priority list found me.

A book entitled, "Sailing between the Stars: Musings on the Mysteries of Faith" by Steven James. The title itself was a welcome surprise for my evening as throughout the last few days, my thoughts have centered around "why" when I think about such a young woman loosing her life. Mysterious, this God of ours. Mysterious this faith of mine. All the while, making sense, I thought.

I read through three chapters in what felt like minutes but in actuality, was over an hour. The writer's phrasing simply beautiful and rhythmic in it's simplicity. The author wrote this about jumping fish in a clear lake in Minnesota:

"I started wondering what it would be like to be one of those fish, swimming through this mountain lake, minding my own business and then one day rising to the ceiling of all that there is and finding that I could poke my nose through the surface of the sky. And not only my nose, but to learn, in a moment of glorious discovery, that with the right flip of my tail I could break through the rippling curtain of my world and take flight, experiencing the strange and wonderful and dangerous freedom of the air."

I have no idea why I thought of this young woman so much when reading this. Perhaps it was her connection to the sea. Perhaps it was the romanticism behind shattering the ceiling of our world and delving into what lies beyond.

I am beginning to think that the mystery of my faith is perhaps, one of the things I love most about it.

'Tis Life

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I have not lived."

Henry David Thoreau