And the calm came...

"They sicken of the calm, who know the storm."

Few lessons have existed as vibrantly and intensely in the past. Few lessons have knocked me on my ass and then extended a hand to assure me that the fall will not be my demise. This lesson, a lesson that countless, dedicated, educated individuals poured over. A different rate of speech? A different concept on education in general? All things have been considered. All things, except, the absence of teaching, that is. The absence of instruction, of calculated phrases in a meek attempt to convey the need for calm. The need for letting go.

The frenzy of a mind on fire. The overwhelming urge to get up and busy myself with anything as to not be still. Escaping like the laundry thrown on the lawn during a pissing match. The frenzy has flown the coop. Alerting the masses will do no good because the gasoline poured and the match lit on thinking with needless frenzy.

Three weeks. I'd say I'm a damn quick pupil and for that, I will reward myself with a sunset soon. An anchor, to this place. Music. Conversations both bullshit and core shaking. Laughter. Remembering that I put the world on my shoulders and attempted, at best, to rotate a few times throughout a day. Strangely enough, the world was not placed there with expectations from anyone but this one. The globe has crashed and shattered into shrapnel reminiscent of wars waged for reasons not understood by the army itself.

No fairy tale, dirty laundry still exists. Gas still needs paid for and groceries still need fire and ice to become dinner. Just a soothing knowledge that I am responsible for only that which I choose to be. And Jesus...that realization alone is cathartic in the simplest but most complex form.

"I've come to a conclusion." "Here's the deal."

Sunsets and Exhaustion

"...have a deep respect for the depth of life and also for the ocean. For the forest, for the stars and for the truth..."

As I attempt to focus my heavy eyes on this glowing screen, I find myself most definitely, in a conundrum of sorts. A riddle, this week has been, with no true and steadfast solve point. Funny, I guess that in truth, a week has not passed. Not even seven days of this foreign terrain under my belt as of close of sunlight today. An even stranger truth is that in ways, I feel as if I've been here for eons and in ways, as if I have never peaked a toe onto the surfaces of this city.

I am thankful. And when I walk from my mailbox in one building to my desk in another tomorrow morning, I will continue to be thankful. In awe, really, of this place. A karma paycheck has been cashed somewhere and to whatever financial institution I owe, let it be known, I embody indebtedness.

I am also terrified. A good terror (in my mind, and possibly mine alone, terror can be a positive thing). An almost trembling wave works it's way up my femur and into my structural core when I think about the fact that I don't know what to think about the future. What it may cradle or dispose of along the way.

The realization that change is positive has not escaped me so don't worry that balanced on shoulders, physiological marvel, one minute about my knowledge of that fact. The pedestrian phrase "anything worth doing is difficult at times," seems fitting, even if cliche, at this moment. Happiness is only truly attained by those willing to step into a situation in which their sense of self, of the very being they've allowed themselves to become, is microscopically in question. I do believe, I am squirming within that red gel on the dish this very moment.

Not looking to reinvent a damn thing about this dame with the exception of the tendency to worry my lobes with needless bullshit tied up in packages that look eerily similar to assumed responsibility for his and hers alike. A reinvention not on the docket this day but rather, an addition to the functioning of the being that has found inspiration in the process and trusted it so. Scratch that...additions, of plenty, please and thank you.

A happy place but a vacancy in the heart that will only become more digestible as days pass and communication becomes technologically familiar and maintains a certain amount of structure and ease.

Closing eyes and relaxing muscles approaching. A belief in the grounding depth that is obtained when in the presence of a natural mass such as the ocean.