Does it really?

" Come on now! No one is a one dimensional piece of art. Everyone is one of those mixed media pieces. You know the kind I'm talking about. Those canvases that have all that shit on them? The ones where you stand there and wonder if you're seeing painted bristles or hair. We're all one of those."

When I heard this quote today, it immediately made me laugh out loud like a crazie in my tiny studio...sound bellowing off the walls and floors at a deafening intensity. It made me laugh because I think we all have moments where we surprise ourselves with our own thoughts. I find myself physically reacting to those thoughts sometimes, as if I am in shock of my own hamster wheel. It's humorous really, when you think about it. That you can know people for years upon years and yet find yourself in a wine-shooting-from-nostril situation as they verbally spew their innards over dinner.

I like knowing that even my own words and actions surprise me at times. It's even more entertaining than being shocked by others. I mean..you kind of expect to be surprised by thoughts that don't originate within your being, you know? If you are able to pull rabbits out of your own hats and find yourself gagging on handkerchiefs you weren't aware you swallowed, that's pretty damn amazing, if you ask me.

I started thinking about things that I was surprised by and came up with a list of five before my attention was grabbed by a Band of Horses song:

5) Even with a degree in hospitality and a love of cooking, I would take a Totino's Party Pizza over any five star spread any day.

4) Sometimes, I crave thunderstorms here like I craved sunshine in Indiana.

3) I don't feel the need to express everything and I'm pretty sure that will stick with me through all the days.

2) I am a sucker for Lloyd Dobler and I'd pretty much melt for a boom box situation, even if it is a little creepy when you really think about it.

1) When people ask me what my favorite music is, I get legitimately stressed out.

"Um...you're real but you hide it well? That didn't make you feel better, did it?"

Looking in from the outside

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, or morphine or idealism."

It's so easy to let the glasses slip to the end of our slightly turned up noses and judge. When we cannot, for all the thinking and over thinking in the world, wrap up the actions of others into understandable, delectable little packages, our instinct is to judge.

An innate response to that which we cannot understand. Judgement, however prickly and ugly we may know it to be, is fostered in us from birth.

Interestingly enough, judgement can serve us impeccably well in instances where we judge our surroundings or actions as negative and run screaming in the opposite direction. That kind of assumptive thought is an element necessary to survival for which we should be thankful. On the underbelly, however, judgement can scoop us up, grasping directly under our arms, and float us neatly to a resting place atop pedestals for which we are unfit to stand.

I came across this quote when I was reading an article the other day (listed above) and for whatever reason, the matter between my shoulders hasn't been able to release it from the grips. It struck me in a palpable way, this notion that addiction is imbalanced and, in my opinion sad, in whatever form it lives and breaths.

Sometimes, I imagine addiction as a little troll, dwelling right behind the flower patch that's so tempting to stick your nose into and take a deep breath. Just patiently waiting to reach up with grubby little troll hands and replace the flower with poison the minute your eyes close in an attempt to fully appreciate the scent.

However you look at it, whatever your opinion or lack of opinion may be, whether you've spent hours or seconds thinking about addiction, I think we can all agree that addiction is a nasty beast.

The interesting element to addiction is that it robs not only the addict but all those that love and admire that addict, of that person. Losing someone while standing face to face with them is a completely different kind of loss. This tangible loss in indescribable. Watching a person melt before your eyes as if you were indulging in a midnight showing of The Wizard of Oz is an experience that haunts you.

The haunting is strongest when you allow yourself to question not only the motivations of the lost but also the motivations of the remaining. When you begin to investigate the demise from angles scientist everywhere would be proud of and are repeatedly left empty handed, the loss turns on you like a trick mirror in a fun house.

The who-it's and what-it's and why-it's of addiction will always be with me. Grieving the loss of someone who still walks and talks has been an out of body experience from which I am certain I have learned something; yet uncertain of exactly what that lesson may be.

For now...I find myself grateful that I am beginning the process of separating the addiction from the person and accepting sad facts to be sad facts.

Tackling the why-it's? I'll leave that for another day.

Laryngitis

Patience is a virtue...

You know the drill. You go to the beach and have a great day only to come home with that nagging feeling of water in your ear. So...you stand in the middle of your living room, tilt your head to one side and jump up and down praying that the annoying pressure will dissipate. If that doesn't work, you will try just about anything to alleviate this nagging issue resulting in you searching "creative" cure-alls on the Internet in the middle of the night.

That's pretty much how I'm feeling today although it's not swimmers ear that is causing an issue. My issue is the plight of the square peg in the round hole. You know, I've heard that phrase countless times throughout my life yet I've never felt the phrase or identified with it like I find myself doing these days.

The other day, I was talking to good friend of mine here in Florida and we started talking about how different we were but how much both of us enjoyed our friendship, regardless. I meant it. This person has become someone that I truly enjoy being around and I find myself deeply grateful for the friendship we've shared. When we started chatting about this, however, I couldn't help but think about how I feel that "difference" between myself and everyone I am surrounded by here in Florida. I think that's probably why I've learned so much this year...because I am consistently surrounded by lovely people who are incredibly different from me. Who were raised differently. Who hold different values dear to their hearts. Who think differently. Feel differently. Eat differently. Relax differently. Recharge differently.

While the differences are beautiful and have been a blessing, there are days where I feel exhausted by them. I made a commitment to myself that I would be open to new experiences when I moved to Florida and with the exception of a few regrets, I have done just that.

A few months ago, someone I hold in rather low regard told me that I was "anti-social." Initially, I was upset by the comment later, chalking it up to just another lie to fall from lips incapable of being truthful. However, when I think about it, I realize that I may come off that way sometimes here. In groups of people, I find myself just kind of sitting back and taking it all in, rarely contributing to the conversation. When I do feel as though I have something pertinent to say, I am usually stepped on by the verbal pitter patter of others and my words are lost so I just continue to observe. I don't resent it but it is difficult to swallow sometimes because it's not how it's always been.

I started laughing the other day when I thought of that movie, "The Nanny Diaries" (yes I've seen it, laugh all you want) where Scarlet Johansson considers herself an anthropologist as she begins to nanny for a wealthy family because the lifestyle varies so much from what she is familiar with. I relate to that is so many ways. Like I am an observer, here to experience a new lifestyle and write about it. I have to wonder if I've taught anyone anything down here. I keep my mouth shut so often that it's hard to think I've influenced anyone, positively or negatively.

There are so many positives to stretching yourself in this way. The only negative aspect I have noticed is that sometimes, I am tempted to turn into a selfish child with my hands on my hips and my heels embedded in the sand screaming, "I want to do what I want to do for once!!" It's an ugly quality but it bubbles up from time to time, which is when I spend the day by myself doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Shattering one's comfort zone is good but there are moments where cocooning is necessary.

I have found a lot of comfort in the notion of patience and waiting on God's timing for things to feel more comfortable here for me. I do believe that I was led to Florida for a reason and I am attempting to remain patient and quiet until I begin to understand exactly why. I am so blessed!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23