Huh....

Missing the big picture...

I have written and erased, written and erased, written and erased again this entry. I am not quite certain if the problem is my inability to wrap my mind around what I am thinking OR that I am normally not as vulnerable in this here cyberspace to write what I am thinking. Bear with me, folks, because this entry is, most likely going to be long and at the end, you may be left scratching that head of yours, thinking, "What are they putting in the water in St. Pete Florida? My friend is freaking nuts!"

When I moved to Florida, I pictured a life of permanent vacation. Beaches, cold drinks with umbrellas in them, sunsets. Although I knew that life would still include dirty laundry and electric bills, I saw Florida as a way to relax and reboot. A way to decompress after years of taking care of others.

Life here in Florida has held many of the aspects I had in the mental photograph. I have shared some tasty drinks with friends (I have even found beers that I actually enjoy). I have watched the sunset over the ocean on beaches that are nationally ranked for their beauty. I have driven over the ocean on one of the most beautiful bridges I have ever seen every weekday morning in my commute. I have learned what it means to have the weather determined by the ocean which has been positive and also scary at times! I have been blessed with a job that I can leave at the doorstep.

All in all...Florida has been what I pictured.

Life in Florida has come with some other blessings as well. I am choosing the word blessing very carefully because these blessings have not been easy to swallow at times. I have learned so much about myself in the few months I have lived down here. Call me crazy but I was not prepared for this move to bellow in so many moments of self reflection. You can call me crazy, it's okay. I have not a valid reason in my little mind why I thought moving away from Indiana would not come with some hurdles...I mean...blessings...

As my close friends and family know, my move has come with some major growing pains. I have spent nights in my little studio where I thought the day light would never come, tossing and turning and feeling lonelier than I ever thought humanly possible.

I have questioned this move more times than I would like to admit. At the beginning of each day, though, I am reminded that my decision was guided by much more than my want to be near the beach. I felt an urging so deeply in my core before moving and I know in my little heart that this move was not in vain.

Failure...

Failure is an odd beast. One that we often turn away from. Even in the privacy of our own minds, we tend to figure out ways to hide in corners or run rapidly through corridors where we know the realization of failure is lurking. I am not a person that enjoys admitting failure any more than the next but in this case, I can utter quite certainly, "I have failed." In one enormous (and most likely, countless others) way, I have failed since my move to the sunshine state.

I have failed to take the focus off of myself and my wants and needs and step back. Step back to the day I made the decision to come here and remember the urging I felt in my spirit. I realized today that I have given no credit to God for where I am now. I have failed to thank Him, to ask Him for His guidance, to consult with Him on anything since moving. Not one time have I gotten on my knees and thanked Him for getting me here safely, for helping me find a job, for allowing me to find the cutest little studio apartment in the cutest little part of St. Pete. I haven't asked Him for guidance on the days where I felt like I would implode into myself with loneliness. I haven't allowed Him in at all, really. Not one freaking little iota. He has been on the back burner.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That's the sound of me backing up (you can imagine me doing a really slow moon walk backwards now if you would like! Make sure you add the robot arms.)

"So that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory."

1 Thessalonians 2:12

Rewind

...gninnigeb eht ot kcab gniog

A little rewind action to start off this Saturday. Why? Because a little rewind action never hurt anyone.

Funks. Funks are wickedly evil little shits and they seems to work there way in the minute we start to feel sorry for ourselves. The minute we begin to focus on all the elements of the life we lead that are less that excellent, funks seem to take that as engraved invitations to set up shop and get comfortable.

I call shenanigans.

I always find myself in interesting situations when I lose sight of why I originally started something in the first place. While I do believe in the notion that the ability to adapt is a critical one, I also believe that fluid reasoning sometimes leads to fluid everything. In the experience of lizzy dearest, when I begin to accommodate and shift and push and pull my life in directions that feel unnatural, I end up with some fairly undesirable outcomes. Go figure.

While loneliness is real and at times thick and gravely palpable, Florida is also real. Real in it's beauty and positive attributes. Real in it's gravity and natural surroundings that, if one opens themselves up to the possibilities, one will be rewarded. She holds treasures but the trick is to focus on the positive and not the less desirable.

A difficult charge but I have never been one to flee from difficulty. Rather...I think I'll kick off my sandals. Run through the sand and remember why the hell I came here in the first place. To relax. To breath. To live peacefully.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually hard but it's the middle that counts."

Serving thy self

What goes around, comes around. You reap what you sew. You made your bed, now lie in it. Sometimes, although hesitantly, I am forced to believe that all these phrases, and their friends who echo the same sentiments, are simply creations by a hopeful breed. A breed that wants to believe that there is balance to the madness that exists.

The beauty that exists is awe inspiring as well, please do not discount the beauty.

I fear that we little humans have created methods of thinking with which we swaddle ourselves in on cold days and nights in an attempt to explain the imbalance that teeters all around us.

Karma is a bitch. Truth emanates from the depth of this statement. Have you noticed though that at times, it seems that karma strikes rather haphazardly. As if the administrative assistant paid to keep the excel sheet with names and appropriate consequences/blessings organized has taken up chatting at the water cooler all afternoon.

This is my formal plea to the karma administrative assistant. Could you please, at least for the next few months, focus on the spreadsheet? I know the cells and columns and various colors from which to choose regarding font can be overwhelming but please...FOCUS.

Mama needs for balance to return.

For the questionable to receive what questionable individuals shall. For those who have integrity brimming and falling over the sides of their universes to receive what shall come their way as well.