Humbled

"I stand before you, Lord

Humbled by the love You give away.

A widow's mite, my will and pride,

It's all I have to offer anyway."

I find myself in a perpetual state of humility this week that I cannot seem to break away from. At times, I've felt like every corner I round brings with it another unexpected gift. I know that I am a good person and that I attempt to do my best each day but I am humbled by the blessings falling down all around me because I know, deep down that I am not exactly worthy of God's love. So...I am humbled and thankful that He's so gracious!

I've had big and small gifts this week and to be honest, I am as thankful for the seemingly minute gifts as I am for the larger than life ones. I have been truly blessed by a new position that has fed me professionally and personally through various avenues but the happiness from this one "little" change seems to be flowing throughout my life these days!

I feel driven for the first time in months. My to-do list that normally simply continues to grow is being added to and diminished simultaneously. I feel direction and guidance from God in a way that I have felt few times throughout my life. There are certain aspects of the direction that are interesting and somewhat confusing for me like the way I feel distant from those things which had come to be familiar. I remain confident though that this distance is guided and necessary.

I spent the weekend realizing that my "worry" list was dwindling. Yes..that's right...I have a worry list. You know, a list of items that I continuously worry about whenever I have a free moment. This week has made it clear as a bell just how distant I had become from those things which center me. Being me. Being happy. Being settled. Feeling safe. These things have made me realize how uprooted and unprotected I have felt for the past few months. Thank God for His love or I could have lived under that enormous pressure indefinitely.

Florida and my life here feels different now in such a penetrating, steadfast way...and it's about time!!

Hit me.

"You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to stay."

Warning: This entry may be similar to watching a hummingbird flutter from flower to flower. If you are prone to motion sickness, you may want to forgo reading any further!

First things first, I am freaking blessed! No bones about it, people, this little lady does not deserve the shower of good things that come her way. Although the past few weeks have been a whirlwind, leaving me with a slight case of whiplash...I could not be more grateful or humbled by the love that God has shown me. My being less than perfect provides ample opportunity for me to wonder why God continues to click clack the pieces into place but alas, I am grateful for the puzzle pieces that fit.

A month ago, I planned to return to Indiana at the close of the school year. I felt like Florida was a beautiful place but just not the place for me. It wasn't what I thought it would be and I was pretty confident it would never be. So....I planned, planned, planned my little heart out and started making arrangements to return to the state that nurtured my first thirty years and the people that made those years worth writing about.

Screech! The brakes went on, the dust flew and I was left standing at a crossroads with a big neon sign flashing over head "Decision...Decision...Decision." I received a call from a position I had applied for prior to making the decision to return home. Great. Just great. Here I was thinking that everything was packaged nicely with a bow on top and now you call me for an interview. Leaping out in faith, I scheduled the interview and told myself that I was just investigating all avenues before moving to Indiana. In the depths of my stomach, I had this urgent feeling that this call was God's way of telling me that maybe Florida held more than I had imagined. First the phone interview and then the campus interview. I drove home truly professionally inspired and knew that I would have a handful of a conundrum if the position was offered. A few nerve racking days later, I was offered the position.

As if that's not enough...I just spent the last week enjoying my parent's company in the Sunshine State. Every time I have visitors here in Florida, I am initially reminded of how blessed I am to have the family and friends I do. An appreciation for Florida always sinks in shortly after seeing the beauty that exists here through the eyes of others. I had great talks with my parents, laughed with them, ate tons of yummy food with them and enjoyed the freedom of hugging them whenever I wanted to!! Over and over again during their visit I told them how lucky I felt to be blessed with parents like them all the while understanding that I could never truly verbalize how much I love each of them.

And so, Florida, once again you have surprised me and allowed me to discover the beauty that you hold. I start my new position on Monday knowing that life is funny and ever-changing and oh so good!

I am okay

Sometimes it's good to realize the relativity of life..

I am comprised, as eveyone is of moving parts and waving emotions. Sometimes up, sometimes down and sometimes not knowing which way is up or down. Life has been kind to me, in the grand scheme of things. God has watched over my steps, both those I've taken with His guidance as well as those I've taken with an "I got this, let me handle it" way about me. When I look at my life and take stock of what it has been comprised of, I smile. Some of the negative experiences are too close to the surface to laugh at quite yet but all the experiences make me smile because I know they are being used in my grand life plan. I may never pull from these experiences and directly apply them in the future but....they exist within me now and I am undoubtably shaped by them.

I have spent the greater part of my life over analyzing the goings on of events, attempting to learn what was intended. I doubt this habit will change much in the future although that would be a nice change of events! There are still various moments that I can't quite fit into the "this was for this" category but alas, I may never know. It is a blessing from God that I have allowed the beauty to over shadow the ugly. I am blessed to have the beauty, after all.

I have learned that what people show you through their actions is all you can believe them to be. While a whimsical notion exists in the desire to view individuals in terms of potential is tempting, I have learned that what a person identifies with is often times very different from how they treat the world around them. I am excited for the healing that lies around the corner and for the day where laughter will replace the disppointment I have been feeling in people lately.

In all ways, God is good to me and even when the disppointment flutters, He allows the laughter to bellow as well. So blessed, this little lady is, so blessed!!

Rescued, once again

Realizing the influence...

I always love putting photos on my blog because I love looking at others' photos and assume everyone else does as well. Today, I am fresh out of photos because you can't pictorially document what is unseen in life. I found myself wondering this weekend if God ever gets tired of watching me walk directly into the lions den all the while reassuring him that I have everything under control. I am confident that the God I serve loves me unconditionally in the all encompassing way that is simply indescribable but there are days when I wonder if He looks down at me with a perplexed, almost at wits end expression on His face. I am so very grateful that I know Him to be a loving being that looks at my faults and still sees beauty.

He has saved me, once again from my own demise and for that, I wish there were a gift large enough to say thank you! I wish I had gift bags glitsy enough and bows big enough to wrap a thank you gift for Him. I find myself feeling all too lucky and humbled that the gift He truly wants is well within my reach. Loyalty and a willingness to follow His path. It's pretty amazing that even when I insist on making decisons with no guidance from Him, He waits patiently for me to look over my shoulder and say, "this way, right?" Sometimes, I find myself shocked to see His head shaking "no" because I could have sworn I was on the right pathway. Other times, I insist on resisting the temptation to ask because I already know the answer.

I have learned very poignant lessons in my walk with God, the largest perhaps being that I can be a good person and still not be following His intended will. I can be kind and giving and yet, God's plans still may differ from my plans. This is always a difficult lesson for me to learn becuase I am stupendous at rationalizing my actions. Kindness and love are beautiful traits, don't get me wrong. The beauty of God's plans though is that He has intended purposes for each of our beautiful traits and it requires a load of obedience to live those purposes out.

I spent my drive to work this morning praying that God would allow my heart and mind to be open to His plans. I prayed that He would awaken my heart to His love and grace.

"Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

So, Naturally...

Lately, I have been feeling under the weather. I have had the pleasure of hosting a wicked kidney infection for which my patience is running quite thin. I began my second round of antibiotics today which doesn't exactly make me happy however, I feel as though my hands are tied. As per usual when I have time to think think think, I thought my way around the recent months while attempting to rest off this infection today.

I am fairly certain that the high fever I've been rocking has something to do with my impeccable ability to over think the little details of life. However, I must give credit where credit is due and thank God for the ability to critically think about one's actions and decisions. Turn on NPR or scroll through the various news channels assaulting the waves and you're sure to see evidence that there are, in fact, individuals that do not house the ability to critically evaluate their actions or decisions. A sad but painfully true reality.

I am confident that there will never be a time in my life where I will be living 100% in accordance with my ideals. Simply stated, that is just an impossible feat. However, I could be doing a heck of a lot better and that's where the juice comes in. Why in the heck would a person find it necessary to take a photo of recently purchased fruit juice and post it on their blog? One defense could be the fever. In all seriousness, I realized today, as I seemingly unsuccessfully nursed my body back to health, that I had stumbled a bit when it came to my values on the treatment of the earth and my body. So...instead of running out to the grocery and grabbing juice from concentrate, I treked to the store and took my time picking out juice that was actually... juice. In addition to the nutritional content, the juice is bottled in glass which while it takes a ton of energy to create, glass can be reused endlessly which lends itself to numerous reincarnations in my household.

I enjoy being relaxed and living my life in a manner where the little things remain little. However, I also feel that a certain amount of apathy has creeped in which is a reality I have the power to change... as well as the motivation. Thank the fever, the infection or the universe.

I'm going to go drink my juice.

Putting on the big girl pants

One leg at a time...

There are moments within each day where I find myself inspired by the noise that surrounds me. Creativity is a precocious little lady and she will lift her skirt up and twirl around the room, tapping her mary janes together incessantly if you let her. I have found it best to allow her the freedom to sing at the top of her lungs or plunge her hand into the bucket, forcing paint deep into her nail bed. After all, when she smiles, I find it difficult to oppress the corners of my mouth into the frowning position.

There is one, giant, overwhelming challenge I have discovered which accompanies my willingness to serve as guardian to lady creativity. She lacks a certain decorum and focus which at times inspires brilliance and at others...supports dissension among the ranks. Never being one for conflict or enforcement, I am beginning to think of myself as a lady in need of assistance. Thankfully, many authors and artists alike are here to help my efforts of honing in and harnessing talents that could send creativity flying into space, shattering the very beauty from whence she came.

In my searching, I found an article about a 365 day: Creative Journal. Many people around the globe are adopting the philosophy that creativity not only fosters a healthier mindset but a healthier future as well. One of the most important notions, as apparently, I am in the business of slinging opinions this evening, is that "art" can be pivotal and significant. It can express eons of emotion and shake foundations into eventual movement. But "art" can also be seemingly insignificant as well.

Often, the perception determines the value, if allowed. Artist know better and find confidence that the value is intrinsic in nature. For now, this artist feels pretty freaking stoked to be opening herself up to the process.

Needing a little reminder

I am my own outlook calendar...

Each morning when I stroll into work and switch on my computer, I am reminded with a pleasant chiming bell of the meetings and commitments I have throughout the day. My favorite reminder of all comes at 12:45pm when my little electronic assistant reminds me that an hour refuge is just around the corner. I like to think that if personified, my outlook calendar would be a sassy little assistant who didn't bring me documents, but rather soul rocking music suggestions and my own personalized play list to get me through the day. He would be edgy but with a sense of balance for calm on hectic days and he would never bring me coffee because he would know me well enough to know that being served would make my skin crawl. I digress.

On my drive this evening, I thought about how handy calendar reminders are. How I am anal enough to remember things on my own but love the assuredness that comes with the automatic, built-it, fail safe chiming of my computer.

How much better, I thought, would it be to have an internal outlook calendar that reminded me of the things that truly matter. Sure meetings are important to the functionality of the workplace but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like software developers are missing out on a market that would have dividends for one and all alike. Maybe the reminders could come as swiftly and clearly as those few moments of clarity we all have that hit us like thunderbolts, reeling for days afterward. Or maybe we could visualize the reminders pictorially from somewhere directly behind the retina (if this be the case, I prefer mine to be of the old film variety with haziness and glitches providing character and nostalgia).

And to all the software geniuses out there, here are a list of the internal reminders you can begin working on immediately. I would like them often, daily perhaps or just when the stress and ridiculousness threshold seems to be reaching critical levels (tempo has reached critical levels, tempo has reached critical levels).

Reminder One: Productivity is not your master. If a day (or two) passes in which you allow the dishes to pile up and the laundry to go unfinished, the world will not stop turing on its axis. Productivity is relative and lady, you need to re-evaluate the meaning of this word.

Reminder Two: A day spent relaxing with friends, unexpectedly is not a road block to the rat race, rather a reprieve from the laps you've been running in attempt to catch the rabbit. Soak it in sweetheart because afternoons that turn into evenings that turn into night fall where the conversation flows as freely as the wine are, in their own right, alters to be bowed at.

Reminder Three: Intensity is exhausting. While it has its merits and rightfully placed can be a pivotal element to life, intensity burns out quickly and leaves little return on investment if thrown wildly into the world without reason.

Reminder Four: Clear the mind and the heart on a regular basis. Leave the trash at the curb and walk away confidently with an understanding that trash is trash and you're not obligated to compost anything.

Reminder Five: Trust yourself and the decisions you make. Stop questioning, apologizing, second guessing and twisting your insides over miniscule matters that mean absolutely nothing.

Reminder Six: Live. Breath deeply. Exhale fully. Click the memory stick every now and then when you feel yourself in a moment that may not define you but will certainly shape you. Let things tangle up your insides if they must. Walls down. Buildings burning. Protection lost. Sand in your sheets kind of living.

Let it all go, my friend. You're the only one still holding tight to the arbitrary demands you've placed upon your sinking shoulders.