Does it really?

" Come on now! No one is a one dimensional piece of art. Everyone is one of those mixed media pieces. You know the kind I'm talking about. Those canvases that have all that shit on them? The ones where you stand there and wonder if you're seeing painted bristles or hair. We're all one of those."

When I heard this quote today, it immediately made me laugh out loud like a crazie in my tiny studio...sound bellowing off the walls and floors at a deafening intensity. It made me laugh because I think we all have moments where we surprise ourselves with our own thoughts. I find myself physically reacting to those thoughts sometimes, as if I am in shock of my own hamster wheel. It's humorous really, when you think about it. That you can know people for years upon years and yet find yourself in a wine-shooting-from-nostril situation as they verbally spew their innards over dinner.

I like knowing that even my own words and actions surprise me at times. It's even more entertaining than being shocked by others. I mean..you kind of expect to be surprised by thoughts that don't originate within your being, you know? If you are able to pull rabbits out of your own hats and find yourself gagging on handkerchiefs you weren't aware you swallowed, that's pretty damn amazing, if you ask me.

I started thinking about things that I was surprised by and came up with a list of five before my attention was grabbed by a Band of Horses song:

5) Even with a degree in hospitality and a love of cooking, I would take a Totino's Party Pizza over any five star spread any day.

4) Sometimes, I crave thunderstorms here like I craved sunshine in Indiana.

3) I don't feel the need to express everything and I'm pretty sure that will stick with me through all the days.

2) I am a sucker for Lloyd Dobler and I'd pretty much melt for a boom box situation, even if it is a little creepy when you really think about it.

1) When people ask me what my favorite music is, I get legitimately stressed out.

"Um...you're real but you hide it well? That didn't make you feel better, did it?"

Looking in from the outside

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, or morphine or idealism."

It's so easy to let the glasses slip to the end of our slightly turned up noses and judge. When we cannot, for all the thinking and over thinking in the world, wrap up the actions of others into understandable, delectable little packages, our instinct is to judge.

An innate response to that which we cannot understand. Judgement, however prickly and ugly we may know it to be, is fostered in us from birth.

Interestingly enough, judgement can serve us impeccably well in instances where we judge our surroundings or actions as negative and run screaming in the opposite direction. That kind of assumptive thought is an element necessary to survival for which we should be thankful. On the underbelly, however, judgement can scoop us up, grasping directly under our arms, and float us neatly to a resting place atop pedestals for which we are unfit to stand.

I came across this quote when I was reading an article the other day (listed above) and for whatever reason, the matter between my shoulders hasn't been able to release it from the grips. It struck me in a palpable way, this notion that addiction is imbalanced and, in my opinion sad, in whatever form it lives and breaths.

Sometimes, I imagine addiction as a little troll, dwelling right behind the flower patch that's so tempting to stick your nose into and take a deep breath. Just patiently waiting to reach up with grubby little troll hands and replace the flower with poison the minute your eyes close in an attempt to fully appreciate the scent.

However you look at it, whatever your opinion or lack of opinion may be, whether you've spent hours or seconds thinking about addiction, I think we can all agree that addiction is a nasty beast.

The interesting element to addiction is that it robs not only the addict but all those that love and admire that addict, of that person. Losing someone while standing face to face with them is a completely different kind of loss. This tangible loss in indescribable. Watching a person melt before your eyes as if you were indulging in a midnight showing of The Wizard of Oz is an experience that haunts you.

The haunting is strongest when you allow yourself to question not only the motivations of the lost but also the motivations of the remaining. When you begin to investigate the demise from angles scientist everywhere would be proud of and are repeatedly left empty handed, the loss turns on you like a trick mirror in a fun house.

The who-it's and what-it's and why-it's of addiction will always be with me. Grieving the loss of someone who still walks and talks has been an out of body experience from which I am certain I have learned something; yet uncertain of exactly what that lesson may be.

For now...I find myself grateful that I am beginning the process of separating the addiction from the person and accepting sad facts to be sad facts.

Tackling the why-it's? I'll leave that for another day.

Laryngitis

Patience is a virtue...

You know the drill. You go to the beach and have a great day only to come home with that nagging feeling of water in your ear. So...you stand in the middle of your living room, tilt your head to one side and jump up and down praying that the annoying pressure will dissipate. If that doesn't work, you will try just about anything to alleviate this nagging issue resulting in you searching "creative" cure-alls on the Internet in the middle of the night.

That's pretty much how I'm feeling today although it's not swimmers ear that is causing an issue. My issue is the plight of the square peg in the round hole. You know, I've heard that phrase countless times throughout my life yet I've never felt the phrase or identified with it like I find myself doing these days.

The other day, I was talking to good friend of mine here in Florida and we started talking about how different we were but how much both of us enjoyed our friendship, regardless. I meant it. This person has become someone that I truly enjoy being around and I find myself deeply grateful for the friendship we've shared. When we started chatting about this, however, I couldn't help but think about how I feel that "difference" between myself and everyone I am surrounded by here in Florida. I think that's probably why I've learned so much this year...because I am consistently surrounded by lovely people who are incredibly different from me. Who were raised differently. Who hold different values dear to their hearts. Who think differently. Feel differently. Eat differently. Relax differently. Recharge differently.

While the differences are beautiful and have been a blessing, there are days where I feel exhausted by them. I made a commitment to myself that I would be open to new experiences when I moved to Florida and with the exception of a few regrets, I have done just that.

A few months ago, someone I hold in rather low regard told me that I was "anti-social." Initially, I was upset by the comment later, chalking it up to just another lie to fall from lips incapable of being truthful. However, when I think about it, I realize that I may come off that way sometimes here. In groups of people, I find myself just kind of sitting back and taking it all in, rarely contributing to the conversation. When I do feel as though I have something pertinent to say, I am usually stepped on by the verbal pitter patter of others and my words are lost so I just continue to observe. I don't resent it but it is difficult to swallow sometimes because it's not how it's always been.

I started laughing the other day when I thought of that movie, "The Nanny Diaries" (yes I've seen it, laugh all you want) where Scarlet Johansson considers herself an anthropologist as she begins to nanny for a wealthy family because the lifestyle varies so much from what she is familiar with. I relate to that is so many ways. Like I am an observer, here to experience a new lifestyle and write about it. I have to wonder if I've taught anyone anything down here. I keep my mouth shut so often that it's hard to think I've influenced anyone, positively or negatively.

There are so many positives to stretching yourself in this way. The only negative aspect I have noticed is that sometimes, I am tempted to turn into a selfish child with my hands on my hips and my heels embedded in the sand screaming, "I want to do what I want to do for once!!" It's an ugly quality but it bubbles up from time to time, which is when I spend the day by myself doing things that are familiar and comfortable. Shattering one's comfort zone is good but there are moments where cocooning is necessary.

I have found a lot of comfort in the notion of patience and waiting on God's timing for things to feel more comfortable here for me. I do believe that I was led to Florida for a reason and I am attempting to remain patient and quiet until I begin to understand exactly why. I am so blessed!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23

Humbled

"I stand before you, Lord

Humbled by the love You give away.

A widow's mite, my will and pride,

It's all I have to offer anyway."

I find myself in a perpetual state of humility this week that I cannot seem to break away from. At times, I've felt like every corner I round brings with it another unexpected gift. I know that I am a good person and that I attempt to do my best each day but I am humbled by the blessings falling down all around me because I know, deep down that I am not exactly worthy of God's love. So...I am humbled and thankful that He's so gracious!

I've had big and small gifts this week and to be honest, I am as thankful for the seemingly minute gifts as I am for the larger than life ones. I have been truly blessed by a new position that has fed me professionally and personally through various avenues but the happiness from this one "little" change seems to be flowing throughout my life these days!

I feel driven for the first time in months. My to-do list that normally simply continues to grow is being added to and diminished simultaneously. I feel direction and guidance from God in a way that I have felt few times throughout my life. There are certain aspects of the direction that are interesting and somewhat confusing for me like the way I feel distant from those things which had come to be familiar. I remain confident though that this distance is guided and necessary.

I spent the weekend realizing that my "worry" list was dwindling. Yes..that's right...I have a worry list. You know, a list of items that I continuously worry about whenever I have a free moment. This week has made it clear as a bell just how distant I had become from those things which center me. Being me. Being happy. Being settled. Feeling safe. These things have made me realize how uprooted and unprotected I have felt for the past few months. Thank God for His love or I could have lived under that enormous pressure indefinitely.

Florida and my life here feels different now in such a penetrating, steadfast way...and it's about time!!

Hit me.

"You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to stay."

Warning: This entry may be similar to watching a hummingbird flutter from flower to flower. If you are prone to motion sickness, you may want to forgo reading any further!

First things first, I am freaking blessed! No bones about it, people, this little lady does not deserve the shower of good things that come her way. Although the past few weeks have been a whirlwind, leaving me with a slight case of whiplash...I could not be more grateful or humbled by the love that God has shown me. My being less than perfect provides ample opportunity for me to wonder why God continues to click clack the pieces into place but alas, I am grateful for the puzzle pieces that fit.

A month ago, I planned to return to Indiana at the close of the school year. I felt like Florida was a beautiful place but just not the place for me. It wasn't what I thought it would be and I was pretty confident it would never be. So....I planned, planned, planned my little heart out and started making arrangements to return to the state that nurtured my first thirty years and the people that made those years worth writing about.

Screech! The brakes went on, the dust flew and I was left standing at a crossroads with a big neon sign flashing over head "Decision...Decision...Decision." I received a call from a position I had applied for prior to making the decision to return home. Great. Just great. Here I was thinking that everything was packaged nicely with a bow on top and now you call me for an interview. Leaping out in faith, I scheduled the interview and told myself that I was just investigating all avenues before moving to Indiana. In the depths of my stomach, I had this urgent feeling that this call was God's way of telling me that maybe Florida held more than I had imagined. First the phone interview and then the campus interview. I drove home truly professionally inspired and knew that I would have a handful of a conundrum if the position was offered. A few nerve racking days later, I was offered the position.

As if that's not enough...I just spent the last week enjoying my parent's company in the Sunshine State. Every time I have visitors here in Florida, I am initially reminded of how blessed I am to have the family and friends I do. An appreciation for Florida always sinks in shortly after seeing the beauty that exists here through the eyes of others. I had great talks with my parents, laughed with them, ate tons of yummy food with them and enjoyed the freedom of hugging them whenever I wanted to!! Over and over again during their visit I told them how lucky I felt to be blessed with parents like them all the while understanding that I could never truly verbalize how much I love each of them.

And so, Florida, once again you have surprised me and allowed me to discover the beauty that you hold. I start my new position on Monday knowing that life is funny and ever-changing and oh so good!

I am okay

Sometimes it's good to realize the relativity of life..

I am comprised, as eveyone is of moving parts and waving emotions. Sometimes up, sometimes down and sometimes not knowing which way is up or down. Life has been kind to me, in the grand scheme of things. God has watched over my steps, both those I've taken with His guidance as well as those I've taken with an "I got this, let me handle it" way about me. When I look at my life and take stock of what it has been comprised of, I smile. Some of the negative experiences are too close to the surface to laugh at quite yet but all the experiences make me smile because I know they are being used in my grand life plan. I may never pull from these experiences and directly apply them in the future but....they exist within me now and I am undoubtably shaped by them.

I have spent the greater part of my life over analyzing the goings on of events, attempting to learn what was intended. I doubt this habit will change much in the future although that would be a nice change of events! There are still various moments that I can't quite fit into the "this was for this" category but alas, I may never know. It is a blessing from God that I have allowed the beauty to over shadow the ugly. I am blessed to have the beauty, after all.

I have learned that what people show you through their actions is all you can believe them to be. While a whimsical notion exists in the desire to view individuals in terms of potential is tempting, I have learned that what a person identifies with is often times very different from how they treat the world around them. I am excited for the healing that lies around the corner and for the day where laughter will replace the disppointment I have been feeling in people lately.

In all ways, God is good to me and even when the disppointment flutters, He allows the laughter to bellow as well. So blessed, this little lady is, so blessed!!

Rescued, once again

Realizing the influence...

I always love putting photos on my blog because I love looking at others' photos and assume everyone else does as well. Today, I am fresh out of photos because you can't pictorially document what is unseen in life. I found myself wondering this weekend if God ever gets tired of watching me walk directly into the lions den all the while reassuring him that I have everything under control. I am confident that the God I serve loves me unconditionally in the all encompassing way that is simply indescribable but there are days when I wonder if He looks down at me with a perplexed, almost at wits end expression on His face. I am so very grateful that I know Him to be a loving being that looks at my faults and still sees beauty.

He has saved me, once again from my own demise and for that, I wish there were a gift large enough to say thank you! I wish I had gift bags glitsy enough and bows big enough to wrap a thank you gift for Him. I find myself feeling all too lucky and humbled that the gift He truly wants is well within my reach. Loyalty and a willingness to follow His path. It's pretty amazing that even when I insist on making decisons with no guidance from Him, He waits patiently for me to look over my shoulder and say, "this way, right?" Sometimes, I find myself shocked to see His head shaking "no" because I could have sworn I was on the right pathway. Other times, I insist on resisting the temptation to ask because I already know the answer.

I have learned very poignant lessons in my walk with God, the largest perhaps being that I can be a good person and still not be following His intended will. I can be kind and giving and yet, God's plans still may differ from my plans. This is always a difficult lesson for me to learn becuase I am stupendous at rationalizing my actions. Kindness and love are beautiful traits, don't get me wrong. The beauty of God's plans though is that He has intended purposes for each of our beautiful traits and it requires a load of obedience to live those purposes out.

I spent my drive to work this morning praying that God would allow my heart and mind to be open to His plans. I prayed that He would awaken my heart to His love and grace.

"Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7