Sifting through it all

Out of chaos comes comfort...

The past few days have been chaotic. Emotions running high. Physical energy running low. As I laid on my bed last night, starring at the ceiling, I prayed for my thoughts to slow down. I prayed for my mind to be quiet. I knew I should just hop in my pjs and settle in for the sleep my body desperately needed. I knew though that my mind had a different set of needs. A need to calm down and find a resting place through the mess that encompassed the past few days.

The loss of a student is something I've never experienced and naively never expected to. My heart is tender at the loss her family and close friends must be feeling if my sense of loss is as great as it is.

In addition to the scar that Saturday created on my heart, Monday brought with it a whole new set of anxieties. The economic issues have stretched their tentacles into my realm for the first time and I am beginning to understand the stress I once only empathized with.

For almost two weeks now, I've been talking about making a list of the books I have in my apartment that have yet to be read. I intended to make a list and prioritize these pages upon pages so that I could rest and read what is already mine before setting out on an adventure in pursuit of other readings. As I sat on the edge of my bed, almost in a meditative state, last night, the priority list found me.

A book entitled, "Sailing between the Stars: Musings on the Mysteries of Faith" by Steven James. The title itself was a welcome surprise for my evening as throughout the last few days, my thoughts have centered around "why" when I think about such a young woman loosing her life. Mysterious, this God of ours. Mysterious this faith of mine. All the while, making sense, I thought.

I read through three chapters in what felt like minutes but in actuality, was over an hour. The writer's phrasing simply beautiful and rhythmic in it's simplicity. The author wrote this about jumping fish in a clear lake in Minnesota:

"I started wondering what it would be like to be one of those fish, swimming through this mountain lake, minding my own business and then one day rising to the ceiling of all that there is and finding that I could poke my nose through the surface of the sky. And not only my nose, but to learn, in a moment of glorious discovery, that with the right flip of my tail I could break through the rippling curtain of my world and take flight, experiencing the strange and wonderful and dangerous freedom of the air."

I have no idea why I thought of this young woman so much when reading this. Perhaps it was her connection to the sea. Perhaps it was the romanticism behind shattering the ceiling of our world and delving into what lies beyond.

I am beginning to think that the mystery of my faith is perhaps, one of the things I love most about it.

'Tis Life

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I have not lived."

Henry David Thoreau

ReBoot

Sometimes, I don't feel as if there is much of a difference between my MAC and myself...

This past week has really shaken me to my core! It's made me step back and realize the necessity of stepping back, even from your own thoughts, to gain a little perspective on who you are and what exactly it is that you're doing. In general, I think it's safe to say that we gravely underestimate the influence we have on people around us. In turn, I think it's safe to recognize the influence that others have on our lives as well; this is a lesson that is quite easy to recall when I think of my mom's saying, "Elizabeth, if you run with the wolves, you howl with them." The general idea that you are the company you keep is one that we've heard for years and years. Lucky for me, I've been blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who I have not only been given the gift to love unconditionally, but felt that unconditional love in return. From family, to friends, I would be lying if I ever questioned how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I have!

What lesson then has been so profound for me this week? Why do I feel like my MacBook that has just been rebooted?

When you're surrounded by such amazing people, it's easy to get caught up and enamored with who they are and the things they choose to do. Oh, the transparency I am risking by saying that sometimes I hang out with these amazing family and friends and come home thinking, "That's amazing that __________ is doing that, I should look into that!" or "I just talked to her on the phone (in Iowa) and she's doing this and this and this. Yeah, I should look into that, too!"

Before I know it, I find myself frantically grasping and pulling myself up onto someone else's mountain top, not my own. Beautiful and majestic as those outlooks can be, they are not mine to capture, rather, mine to appreciate. A not so subtle difference lies between the two.

I have had a hard week. A week where I've questioned just about everything about myself and my life from start to finish. A week where I've slept like miserably, ate miserably and felt just that.... miserable! I realized last night why I'm feeling so miserable and it's kind of beautiful in it's own way. I am feeling this way because I love and respect my family and friends so much that I compare myself to them, constantly. I consider it everyone else's fault, really. I mean, geez people, stop being so fun and interesting and this intrigue would cease!

So, I rebooted. I held down my start button until the screen went black and the electronic humming stopped. I waited a few minutes and as my index finger hovered over the white button, I thought to myself, "When this sucker comes back on, it's me and God this time."

I pressed down and voila, I'm still here and still me, just sans the evidence of all the times I've tried to fit into someone else's mold.

I want a family, I do. But right now, at this exact time in my life, I don't have that blessing. The other blessings I do have though, they are brilliant and mesmerizing and I cannot keep living my life not giving them the glory they deserve! Who knows, maybe next year, I'll be writing this blog from a city that I've never lived in before, sipping tea (coffee hurts my tummy, although it would be a much more romantic version of this sentence) thinking, I can't believe I wasn't embracing this!?

Transparency

Being open in a closed world...

My heart is heavy tonight as I write this but not at all in a negative way.  I've been thinking about writing this off and on all day but went back and forth on how open I wanted to be.  I believe that as members of the body of Christ, we are called to be transparent with one another and with the world around us.  I believe this is such an important aspect of our bringing glory to God.  If we are never honest about our struggles, we will never have the awesome opportunity to tell others about how awesome God is and what He has done in our lives!  

Thursday began an extended weekend here at the Academy and little did I know, it was also the beginning of a HUGE weekend in my relationship with God.  Recently, I was accepted to graduate school, which I was really excited about.  What I originally planned on wasn't exactly the case and I distinctly remember closing my computer on Friday and thinking, "Okay, this is not an option anymore."  

I had spent the entire week prior praying for direction in my choice of classes in my first semester and specifically prayed for "God to close this door so obviously that I would not miss Him on this" if it was not meant to be.  There was a time in my life where I would have pressed along in my pursuit of graduate school, even with this blaring red flag of financial risk starring me down.  Thank the Lord, that time in my life has passed. 

I went home to Fort Wayne and had a blast with my family!!  I prayed about it throughout the weekend and then finally opened up to my mom about the surprising news I received via email from the financial aide department on Friday.  The conversation was awesome, as usual, and helped me begin to embrace some really important truths about myself and my future.

First and foremost, I want to follow God's plan for my life.  I have spent a lot of time here on earth following my own selfish desires and quite honestly, this painful pursuit earned me no rewards. I feel that God is leading me to live in an Urban area and learn from and share God's love with the people around me.  

Secondly, I believe that God is calling me to be quiet and patient in this season of life and that is exactly what I plan to do.  No longer do I desire to build castles out of sand, entertaining one idea after another about what I will do in the future with Urban Ministry.  I trust that my God is big enough to provide me with the avenue to minister in this way, even if right now I feel like I'm buried under a mountain of uncertainty regarding my future.   I will prayerfully wait in faith, knowing that my God has a plan for me and certainty will be given to me when His time allows.

Lastly, I want to embrace my God-given passion for being a wife and mother and stop beating myself up that I want to fulfill this role so deeply.  Regardless of the society I live in and the expectations for me to feel differently, I want to be a wife and mother and I believe God has blessed me with this calling.  I don't want to attempt to fill the space in my heart that this yearning has with material goods or scatterbrained pursuits that ultimately dead end.  Rather, I just want to pray that God will prepare my heart and bless me with a man to grow with through our love of Christ and of course to have fun with!  

In our society, it can be very easy to feel boring if you're not accomplishing huge things professionally or personally.  I think God's will for me right now is to sit back, trust Him and stop trying to dictate and control everything.  

For the time being, it's casual Friday everyday in Liz's world.  

Music from within

Sidewalk Prophets:

"The Words I Would Say"

Be strong in the Lord and,

Never give up hope,

You're going to do great things,

I already know,

God's got His hand on you so,

Don't live life in fear,

Forgive and forget,

But don't forget why you're here,

Take your time and pray,

These are the words I would say.

Attempting to Stay Grounded

Feet planted firmly in faith...

I've been a cry baby lately, I'll admit it!  I have been brought to tears by a few things lately and I am not exactly sure what the heck is going on with my tear ducts but I'm fairly certain there's a problem, people.  I suppose I should clarify that I've been brought to happy tears frequently so that my mom, who reads this occasionally, doesn't hop in her car and head down to Muncie in a cloud of panic that her daughter has gone crazy!  

I consider myself to be a fairly stable individual (don't judge, I use the word "fairly" because I'm a woman and I understand that there are days where I could be deemed certifiable without hesitation).  I can usually reel my emotions in, tell myself to shut it and move on when needed but lately, I've been a blubbering mess!  The other night while I watched Extreme Makeover, Home Edition (again, don't judge), I caught myself doing the "ugly" cry instead of the collected sniffle.  I had to laugh out loud, which then turned by "ugly" cry into a "crazy" cry.  You know the laugh and cry at the same time that makes a person look even more on the brink of psychosis than the "ugly" cry alone?!

Then, at church on Sunday morning, as the congregation prayed over my little friend's health, I had trouble keeping it together again!  I sat there thinking, "this is only your second time at this church Liz, reel it in, crazy lady!"  Then, last night, as I prayed with a friend of mine, I freaking started crying again!  

All I have to say about this is, God answers prayers.  A few days ago, I prayed that God would help me to feel more connected to Him.  As Christians, I think sometimes, we get into a routine of reading the Word and praying and forgetting the power of both.  It's not that our prayers become less heartfelt or important or that we do not glean as much from reading; these activities simply become more common place.  All I can figure out about the water works is that God is doing exactly what I asked for!  I'm feeling connected alright, even if I'm also feeling like the sole sponsor of the Kleenex Company as well!

Honestly, I think my tears have been plentiful because my heart feels so full these days.  It's hard to explain what it feels like to have a certainty about my future.  Obviously, I have no certainty at all regarding where I will be or in what exact way God will use me in Urban Ministry but I know He's going to use me and my faith will be enough to guide the way.  In addition to that future defining clarification, I have been able to step back and realize how blessed I am in family and friendship, too.  As a single person, sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the fact that I am "alone".  God has been really awesome lately and helping me remember and be thankful for the fact that I am anything but alone in this world.  Not only do I have His love and support, He's always giving me freaking sweet people to live on this earth with, however short this time may be!

The blessing of being able to go to grad school is something that I just can't leave out of the long list of reasons why my heart is full lately!  I never thought I would be able to go to grad school.  Plain and Simple.  I never thought I was smart enough to get in and my fears about applying kept me from even trying for the last five years.  I have to give God glory because this is all HIM!  Sure, I filled out the application and spend a large portion of my time bombarding the staff of BBGS with countless clarifying emails but He gave me the direction and courage to apply in the first place.  And only He knows how much I will be leaning on Him through this whole process!!  

So, if you see me in the next few weeks and wonder why I have cotton fuzz on my face or why my eyes are puffy, don't worry.  It's just allergies...

Organic in more ways than one...

From the downtown farm stand...

In the last two years or so, Muncie opened a "farm stand" in a downtown store front.  It's basically a really, really small version of a Trader Joe's, which you all know is one of my favorite places to grocery shop!  Although the prices are high, I have started to do SOME of my shopping there because one, I love the way organic fruit and veggies taste and two, I love supporting local businesses.  It's one of those things that I've been meaning to do forever and just haven't done.  Pushing, pushing, pushing myself out of my comfort zone these days.  

Attempting to eat somewhat organically inspired me to push myself to think organically as well.  When I started this blog, I named it Grass Roots Effort for a reason; my soul is constantly wanting to "get back to basics" live as God intended us to.  I lose sight of that so easily but God always brings me back again.  

I had a great lunch with my pops this week and we had a long talk about the role faith plays in our lives.  At one point in the conversation, he compared me to his mother and my heart warmed even more than it had been.  Although I haven't had the opportunity to get to know my grandma very well because of distance, there is one thing I've always known about her.  That woman LIVES her faith.  It's not something she does so that she can look good to her friends. She could care less about how much money someone has or how they're dressed or that their sin is more visible or public than hers.  She's organic in the way she loves others because that's what the Bible commands of her.  

I think that churches are beautiful.  I know that there will never be a perfect church, regardless, they are beautiful.  Believers getting together to express their love of the God they serve.  Honestly, what could be more aw-inspiring than that, people?  I think we have to be careful though. We have to remember what we are called to do here on earth for God's kingdom. If you want to know the truth, I think we miss the mark BIG time in our country sometimes in regards to how we express our Christian faith.  We get so caught up in stuff that we don't remember that our calling is to "go and make disciples of all nations."  We are not called to live in bubbles where we associate only with Christians who believe what we believe in. Who are we really reaching for God's Kingdom when we live this way?  What are we scared of - faltering in our faith?  We have to have more faith in our God than that! We cannot believe that if we leave the places we are comfortable and reach out to those that NEED God's love that we will somehow be sucked into "their" world.  Here's the shocker - it's "our" world too - because we are ALL destined to be imperfect sinners!

Organic Faith.  I don't think the Christian Bookstores offer a book on this topic.  Except, of course, in the Bible section of the store.