Beat

Those who are insanely productive: Those who do not smoke cigarettes. One in the same.

Monday and I am already beat. I have that feeling lurking somewhere in the pit of my stomach with a big fat name tag that reads: EXHAUSTED. My head keeps lowering in degrees closer to my chin hitting my chest. A physiological white flag waving.

It feels absolutely amazing to be this exhausted! To have a reason to get home late and run around like mad getting lunch packed and teeth brushed before bed. I don't feel like it's even productivity in vain either. I have a strong displeasure for productivity that results in someones insides turned upside down, their hair falling out and there teeth chattering from the velocity of life. In my opinion, that type of activity is just as demolishing as my cigarette addiction. The attempt to fill a void with another void. The hoops I jumped through tonight were lovely hoops. Hoops that will make my day smooth tomorrow and hoops that allowed me to connect with my friend.

Quick summary (and this is more to hold myself accountable to not smoking than it will prove to be entertaining.) Today I: Worked a 10 hour day, had dinner with my friend Robot, quick Target run with Robot, commuted home, quick gas station trip to fill up for tomorrow's commute (successfully went to gas station and did not purchase cigarettes), made homemade croutons for salad (lunch) tomorrow our of bread that was about to turn, made dressing in old olive oil bottle for said salad tomorrow, made salad for lunch tomorrow, did all dishes and left the kitchen looking spic and span.

It may sound as if I am taking pride in the small things. Honestly, it's because I am. When I was smoking, my whole life was about sitting outside, talking on the phone and smoking. While I will obviously keep the habit of talking on the phone with those I love and keeping in touch, it's nice to have time in the evening to make salad dressing or homemade croutons. It's nice to not have a full sink of dishes staring me down when I get home from work tomorrow because I wasted time tonight or simply felt too exhausted from treating my body like a garbage can that I couldn't bare to do them.

Smoking is a tricky addiction because it remains mainstream and somewhat common place. That may be one reason it is such a difficult habit to break. Because no one except the addict understands how much it robs from the addict. Health, monetary and general quality of life are all wrapped up in this addiction even if smokers do an excellent job of acting as if that's not the case.

I feel very blessed to be making this decision. Even though I have moments where I want to climb the walls of my apartment or bite someones head off, I know there is purpose to those feelings. I deserve good health and I'm grabbing it by the horns!

Homemade dressing ingredients:

Old Olive Oil Bottle I will now use all the time for homemade dressings (cleaned and sanitized each time of course!)

I had to throw this in! This is a bottle of "The Dreaming Tree" wine made in part by...you guessed it...Dave Matthews! Why is this significant at all to my quitting smoking? I am learning to enjoy life again. To enjoy the little things. I treated myself to this bottle because although I am attempting to save the money I am not spending on cigarettes, I thought a one week award was in order. And what a wonderful one week award it will certainly be!