Tired of Trying...

I have been writing all day to shake this feeling...

Today has been one of those days where I am either typing on the terribly small screen of my iphone because my computer is not near or attempting, without success, to blurt words across these keys. I am not sure if I am looking for a therapeutic babble or just for an unrestful feeling to cease. Whatever the case may be, I am not a fan of this feeling. Here's to a better evening and a good, long rest for a tired mind.

As the water rushes over...

An undulating ocean awaits me...

With salt on my lips and textured, curly hair, a fleeting thought passed through my being. This fleeting thought, growing larger and hungrier as the days passed, slowly encompassed the matter the rests comfortably upon my shoulders. Sitting across from my robot, I embraced the peace that lingered in the air and uttered the words that, within days, would turn my world from one side to the other.

I stepped onto the plane with a strange assurance that the next time my toes felt the pressure of sand between them, home would be around the corner. Flipping through my music on the two hour flight, I relentlessly searched for the confirmation of this decision. As I can only do through vocalist writhing of the soul, I reached a point where turning back on my decision, even hours after departing, was simply not a possibility.

I stand, equally as shocked as everyone at the decision I have made, to uproot this tree and attempt to find fertile, thirsty ground in which to nurture these branches. Each day, the shock fades into the background as sparklers continue to burn under the brow, embracing the unknown ahead.

As usual, Walt has something to say about inspired moments like these:

"I exist as I am, that is enough,

If no other in the world be aware I sit content,

And if each and all be aware I sit content."

A change is gonna come...

"We must exit our environment and willingly immerse ourselves in foreign experiences to

acquire the smallest, most miniscule knowledge about who we are

and what we will become."

As strange as it may sound, I have gained a tremendous amount of perspective about myself along the mini journey of my current vacation in Sarasota. Over indulgent and incredibly blessed, I have spent the days here with my good friend and for that, I am thankful. Moments birthed in laughter have grown and matured into moments of silence, contemplating those who have broken the surface and discovered worlds beyond. Moments of honesty spewed forth in the unlikely locations of seaside eateries where barnacles and sand tempted the pallet not. So this list that follows, a tribute to minds opening even in the shadows of slamming doors. This list, a olive branch to the universe and future endeavors blessed by the God I choose to worship. This list a a good bye to the oppressive and indignant individuals I once allowed to poison the path.

A camping trip in Alaska (with a defense of sorts against intimidating wild life)

A cafe small, but packing serious culinary punch. Not lame, not fading, timeless.

My words. In print. On shelves. In libraries.

A music filled home that vibrates with sounds of those here and gone that rock our world.

An embraceable peace between myself, God and the universe.

Friendly goats from which wicked goat cheese will be created.

Children.

Horseback riding.

Skiing.

Sandal wearing.

A wardrobe made with my own two hands. Stylish, not frumpy. Ingenious.

Chemical free products. Not because it's cool. Because this world is not mine to abuse.

Relaxed Shoulders.

If meat, then choose well.

A blinding love.

Well founded fear as opposed to irrational.

The beginning of this list only. More to come, of this, I am certain.

Relaxing the Muscles

Having noodle shoulders is a good thing...

My name is Lizzy Bergren and I am a planner. Before I stammer out another word, please do not misunderstand me. I do think planning is a valid and necessary part of life. Over-planning is like over-watering: Suffocating. Like everything in life, balance is key. Although I do appreciate planning in the professional, swirling realm of my life, I am ready to let go of all that baggage and focus on my life beyond the paycheck.

I do believe that my life was planned before I was born by God. A God who certainly knows in more ways than my little brain will ever comprehend the reason for my walking this earth. Living at peace with God, myself and others is strangely easy when I relax my shoulders and realize what a gift my days are. Even when they're crazy because, I've chosen to live my life for the time being at a residential high school. Gifts in big boxes with big bows.

It's so funny to be in a place at 29 years old where absolutes aren't as important to me as they used to be. I guess I thought getting older would provide for more of a need for equations that equalled steadfast results. In actuality, my lines are becoming grayed and I am enjoying it. I am not boxing myself in any longer to the "if this than that" mentality. I am beautiful and imperfect all at the same time. I can enjoy a good bottle of Champagne and an Indiana campfire simultaneously. I can have an iPhone (and love it so) and not feel guilty about it. I can be a good example to young women and still have a massive Walt Whitman tattoo on my forearm.

God, you are amazing. Thank you.

Swirling Fumes

As the nails went flying...

As she plunged the sharp edge between the acrylic and the natural, the fleeting second of pain I felt masked itself in a fleeting sense of liberation, unmasking. My eyes floated from one hand to the other, from artificial beauty to natural imperfection. The scares left from my attempt at obtaining digital perfection undulated quite like ocean waves within my nail beds. So much so that the salt I've been yearning to taste on my lips, the sound of the dark hypnotic noise from November was in that room with me.

Buckling my seatbelt and pulling into traffic reminiscent of the frogger game I could play until the Apple 2GS needed a break, I noticed that my habit of demolishing my cuticles when deep in thought was back. As instantly as it had left at the seemingly small price of $40, it was back.

As I do, in times alone, I found myself mulling over how appropriate this superficial representation of not so superficial events was. I found myself thinking about removing all attempts at perfection and marinating for awhile in the imperfections that define my character. In my habitual tendencies to over think and find meaning in moments otherwise insignificant. How I run, like a child toward a moon bounce to my good friend, Walt Whitman at the end of a long day, or week, or months upon months. My inability to take music lightly and my incomprehensible annoyance with those that do. The way my phone rings and I find delight in the discretion I maintain to answer or to listen, in it's entirety, to the ring tone I so carefully crafted.

Perhaps the toxic fumes and my not having the luxury of a mask as the employees do were to blame for this moment of clarity born out of mundane errands. Perhaps, something serendipitous all together. Regardless, I am thankful. Faults galore, step right up and watch her delight in her shortcomings. Her shortcomings that were crafted for her and her alone.

Move on over

Dear Old Man Winter,

I love you and the weight of the snow you bring to my doorstep each year. I love the silence that accompanies your stay in the twelfth month. I love the blanket of beauty you lay down for my eyes to delight in and my soul to ponder. Even before the snow settles in it's resting place, you provide a show, under every street light and clung to each branch of the trees outside my windows. So yes, Old Man, I love you.

You know as well as I do that your stay this year has been longer than necessary. Plain and simple, you've overstayed your welcome and it's time for you to move over and give your seat to the sweet lady of spring. I spoke with her this morning and although she too has an affinity for you, her feet are growing tired of standing in that aisle waiting for you to be the gentlemen we all know you are and give up your seat.

Lady Spring is growing rather impatient with your "winter weather advisories" and "winter storm warnings" and I must admit that I share her sentiment. She's waiting with sunshine and green grass dripping from her pockets and the baby birds she's carrying are getting restless and are need to log some flight hours before they will be able to fully enjoy summer. My wings are in need of stretching as well; in need of the ability to walk out my front door and fall into soft, supple grass that will make me itchy from head to toe in a matter of seconds. My wings are in need of a good campsite, a long night around the fire and the ability to breath in the scent of something other than street salt.

So what will it be, Old Man? With all the love in my heart I beg you, give it up. Have a great spring and summer and I'll see you next year.

All my love,

LizzyB

Enjoy the Ride!

Breath, Calm Down, Enjoy the Ride...

I cannot count how many times I have gotten this exact advice! If you know me, you know that I have a tendency to be thinking miles and miles ahead of myself on this road I'm traveling. Always thinking about the future, always checking and re-checking myself to make sure that I'm making the "right" decision, the decision that will get me to where, exactly? My tendency to want to flash forward has prevented me from slowing down and enjoying life's little gifts, at times.

Not always riddled with this tendency, I have been blessed with so many awesome days free of worry. Just so were clear...I have had a lot of fun in my life :). For some reason though, I come back to true north and the planning begins again.

Recently, I've been able, for whatever reason to slow it down a bit and enjoy what life is offering me. Even with the stresses that are constantly being thrown into my life in regards to the economy and work and things of that adult nature, I am finding myself calm. Almost as if frozen, in peace, as the world continues to spin around my two little feet. This, my friends, is new for me. So new, in fact, that I've been sending up prayer after prayer after prayer thanking God and begging him to show me if my peace and confidence are in vain. After so many prayers, there remains this peace.

And I remain...thankful. Thankful that the spinning plates of timing, maturity and a fresh perspective have all seemed to nestle into a very nice balancing act.

Thank you God, for your blessings, for the peace I have in my soul, for the confidence I have in you and others