When Confidence Comes

When God knocks you off your feet, He's not joking around...

It's officially fall, which of course means, it's officially my favorite season!  I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday and a leaf blew into my car.  If you know me, you know that fall leaves are perhaps my favorite things in nature so of course, this little serendipitous moment made me smile.  Fall is officially here and to be honest, I feel like it brings with it a whole new season in my life, not just a new season of weather.  

Progression charts.  I remember looking at so many progression charts in school; usually full of illustrations with a few small captions underneath that allow you to learn the timeline of something while being enthralled with a photographical representation of it.  I was thinking the other day about what my life progression chart would look like after I realized what a progression of faith I've gone through in just the last year alone.  I can't imagine how beautiful and bright some of the photographs would be, how big my smile would be, how much the happiness would just radiate from the photo to the on looker!  My life has held some amazing moments thus far and I am confident God's not done yet!  

Storm clouds and violent strikes of lightening would be on my chart too, though.  Moments where I have felt completely alone or turned my face away from the God I serve.  Moments where I've willing flung myself into situations that I knew in my gut were simply not right.  Those moments would be there but how boring the colors in those photos would be compared to the happy ones!

I feel so blessed to have come the route I've come to this place where I am at now.  God has taken my heart and filled it so full.  There are not words, at times, for me to describe what I'm thinking - the compassion, the want to make the world better, the desire to do something with my life that builds His Kingdom.  I feel called and that is something I have never really been able to communicate before.  It's strange, I think I always felt a push or pull in a certain direction from God but not like this, not definable, not directly, not pronounced.  

I know now that God has been molding my heart for years to reach out to those that need Him in a bold way.  I know now that I am called to listen to these individuals, live with them, love them and truly care for them so they may see His love, His light, His amazing grace. I know now that God has called me to a faith that is not typical in our society and to be honest, that scares me in a way that I cannot describe.  The things that scares me the most is the fact that I know I am called to live in areas of this country and possibly others where I will not be comfortable at first, or maybe ever!  I am a pretty skittish person, people, but I feel called to live in urban areas and show God's love.  The same urban areas that when I drive through them, I lock the doors to my car - how crazy is that?!  I know it though.  I feel it.  I feel God ripping me out of my comfort zone, shaking me up a bit, brushing me off and setting me right into the heart of a place that needs Him.  

Sadly, one of the elements of fear I have about following God in the way I believe He is calling me to stems from fearing what others will think.  How will my family and friends react?  Will people think I'm nuts?  Am I going to look like one of those people who's missed the mark completely and fell onto a quick road to crazy town? Maybe.  But, like my friend said a few months ago, sometimes, when we're following God the closest is when we look the craziest to others.  

The beautiful thing is, I have a certain amount of God Confidence now that I've never had before.  I don't think it's an accident that God has created my heart in the way that He has where I am constantly re-evaluating how I interact with the culture around me (those of you who know me, know how true this is!  How many conversations have I had where I am talking about removing myself from our culture or TV or shopping or spending money?!).  I don't think it's an accident that God has given me the demeanor where after a few days, I can be happy where I'm placed and adjust to my environments quickly.  I don't think it's an accident that something changed in my heart this year where I no longer see people's weaknesses as labels for them but rather the unfortunate and ugly result of sin entering our world.  

Change is difficult for me because I like to be comfortable.  I feel like God laughs a little every time He reveals more to me about what He has called me to do.  He knows that He's calling me to strip my security away so that I can lean fully on Him and people, as you know, that's a really difficult thing to do!